I know that summer will be over soon, and I should make the most of these sunshiney days, but all I can think is that it is TOO HOT! I drove out to the waterfront in Tacoma today with a book and tried to relax and enjoy the sunshine, but it was just too hot to be comfortable, and there was not a breeze in sight, and not nearly enough shade. I stayed on Ruston for awhile, because I got a phone call from the boy I met at Drew's show, but I left shortly after said boy and I hung up.
I ended up driving out to Wright Park by Dana's house, where it was breezier and shadier, and I set myself up under some trees where I read some more. I've been reading Salem Falls by Jodi Picoult, and I'm enjoying it plenty. After about an hour Dana called to see if I wanted to come over, so I did that. I had gone to the beach this morning to pick up rocks to boil for our project pictured above, so we did that.
After rocks, we went for a walk, but it was just too too hot to stay outside for very long! I've spent the rest of my evening finishing my packing, and hopefully I have everything I will need for my week in San Francisco!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
| Classifications:: Family, Friends, School, VacationsI got a letter in the mail today. It was from my Aunt Hilary, and when I opened it, there was a homemade card, and pasted on the outside were the words "What if there were no hypothetical questions?" I opened the card, and out fell a twenty dollar bill.
This is meaningful to me, because just a couple of days ago I was talking with my aunt on the phone, and I mentioned how I was tired of being poor, and I wished that my mom could allot me just $20 a paycheck for spending money. So my aunt sent me twenty. I love that. I don't deserve some of the people I've been given, sometimes.
Big sister Dana is having a tough night. I hate that I live on this side of the bridge, because it makes it hard to just go see her when she's upset. That's rough on me. Sometimes, though, I think she's glad of the distance, because I feel like I'm pushing myself on her. Maybe not.
I wish that I didn't have to work tomorrow, because I have a ton of stuff that I need to get done for my trip! I have friends I would like to see before I leave. (Like I'm not going to be back in one short week!) And I would have loved to have spent more time with my mom before going. My bedroom is a mess, and I'd like to get that sorted out, but I don't really have enough time to do much more than pack. I'm telling myself right now that calling in sick tomorrow is NOT an option. AT ALL.
So I was kind of a downer about my vacation earlier today, because I am stressed about packing. As a result, I feel a need to spend some time dwelling on the things I am excited about regarding my vacation.
I Heart San Francisco. It really is my favorite city in the world, with Seattle at a close second, of course! I'm excited to just be home, in my city, soaking it all in. There was a time when all I wanted to do was graduate high school so I could move back home. Plans have obviously changed, but I still love to visit when I can. I am excited to have tea at the Japanese Tea Gardens, to buy a parasol for a friend in Chinatown, to get burritos from Gordos, and to buy Dana and myself groovy presents in the Haight. I can't wait.
My Family! I come from a huge Irish Catholic family on my dad's side, and I can't wait to see all the aunts, uncles, and cousins! I haven't seen them since last summer at my cousin Kristi's wedding, so it's been a long time, and I'm due.
The train ride. It's going to be long, and probably a bit lonely at times, but as scary as the idea of being alone with my own thoughts for 21 hours is, I think it's going to be a good thing in the end. Some time to be selfish and do a little self care. I need this time for myself, I think.
Pictures aplenty. I love taking pictures, and with the change in scenery, and being surrounded by my family, I should have plenty of amazing photo opportunities. I can't wait.
On a slightly more dejected note, I'm nervous about school. I went online to check my financial aid stuff at My UW, and it said that my application had been cancelled. I sent out an email, and hopefully we get it all sorted out before classes start, because I'm supposed to graduate this year, and I will sell my body if it means I get the tuition neccessary to pay for my LAST YEAR OF SCHOOL! Well, until grad school, I suppose. But still. Pray for me? Because I have no idea how I will pay for school if I don't at least get loans. Argh. Bad timing, although I'm glad I caught it relatively early!
I don't know who all reads this, but I hope it finds you well. I am off to watch the Fellowship of the Ring before sleepytime.
I've begun packing for my trip to California. It's a stressful thing, because I work the next two evenings, but my train leaves at 10something in the morning on Friday, so I'm kind of pressed for time with the whole packing thing. I hate packing. I hate trying to plan enough cute outfits that won't make me look too fat to go visit my family.
I'm going to California to be in my little sister's wedding. This is an exciting thing, an exciting thing that makes me so anxious that I want to throw up. Love that. I'm nervous because I'm taking the train down, so I won't have my car, which means I have to rely on other people to get me where I need to be, but even I am not sure where I need to be, because my sister has been so busy with the wedding stuff that she is impossible to get ahold of.
I hate vacations. They make me anxious in my tum....
Okay. I'm done complaining. In all actuality, it should be a productive train ride down, as I have plenty to keep my occupied, and I do look forward to seeing my family, and San Francisco is my favorite city in the world, so I should have a great time.
I just hate weddings.
Today was such a good day. It's been strange weather lately, but today it was so sunny out, and I was pleased. After my appointment at the center I met Dana at her house so that we could meet with the artist whose going to do her tattoo. He was really sweet, I thought, and he seemed to be feeling her ideas and what she wanted, so that was good.
Before the tattoo shop, we stopped at 7-11 for Big Gulp Diet Cokes (yum) and sat on Dana's tailgate in the sun. I checked my messages, and I had a call from this guy I met at Drew's show last Friday. I decided to call him later, because my phone broke last week, and I was only able to hear people if the phone was on speaker phone.
After meeting with Miko, the tattoo artist, we went to Michael's to see about signing up for an art class. There was nobody to talk to at all, so we made a quick stop at the bank before heading home. While Dana checked her balance, I called the guy from Friday back. He asked what I was doing this weekend, but I have to be in California, as my younger sister is getting married on Sunday. He told me to call him when I get back. I'll probably call early next week to see what he's doing the weekend after next.
We got back to Dana's, and then Dana, Drew and I walked all over the Stadium District in Tacoma. We walked up to Wright Park, visited the arboretum, and then down to Stadium High School. We walked through some neighborhoods with some seriously cool houses, and we stopped at a park to play on some swings. It was such a good day, but I was bummed that I left my camera at Dana's!
I did snap this one picture of Dana and I at Michael's, trying on crappy visors. This is what we will look like when we are old ladies. Right down to my huge sunglasses. I love it.
Dude called.
I had a super busy great day, but right now, I think I need some teriyaki. All I've really had to eat today was a yogurt, a smoothie, and massive quantities of Diet Coke.
Yum.
I don't want to dwell on the negative, so I won't. I would just like to say one thing, and then I'm done.
I hate when a guy asks for your phone number, swears he's gonna call, and then doesn't call. Nothing makes me feel more useless than that. I don't get it. It's simple. If you know you aren't going to call, then don't ask for my number. It's that easy. I just hate the ups and downs that come with waiting for a guy to call. And I'm impatient, but I wait out the stupid three day rule because some guys are lame like that, but once three days is up, I'll tell you what boy, don't even bother calling, because if I were worth your while, if you were really interested, you would have called already.
I hate being single.
I love it at the same time.
But I think I hate it more.
Okay. I'm done hating. Dana and I went down to Ruston Way tonight and walked along the waterfront. We also bought crayons for our art project tomorrow. We decided that we are going to do less things together that involve eating, and more things that involve excercise. So that is the new plan.
On the remodel front, my bathroom is almost completely done. We need to grout and seal the tile on the floor, and then it's mostly touch up painting and hanging towel bars and the like. I am so excited to have it clean, finished, and all set up. It's coming together so well.
I feel artistically stunted lately. Due to the remodel/Chris cleaning his room by moving the mess into every other room of the house, the sewing machine has sadly been put away for the time being. Which isn't too terrible, since I'm still pondering over what style of tote bag I want my new library bag to be. I can't tell if I want to attempt the more challenging pleated tote, or just do a much larger variation of the bag I made Adina. I kind of prefer the basic tote, but I feel like the other one would be a more appropriate challenge. I don't know.
Dana gave me a call today. She was at Michael's earlier and noticed that they give art classes for about $20, so the two of us are going to sign up for one. I need to channel all of this energy. And it's something to fill my days with until school starts.
Tomorrow Dana and I are going to go to the tattoo shop again to meet with Miko, the artist who did my second tattoo, and go over the design for her Virgin Mary. We are also going to do this art project as well. I'm looking for more creative ways to channel my energies, and she is looking for cheap and creative ways to decorate her apartment, so here we are.
I just feel a need to do something.
I'm so lonely right now! I'm sitting here all by my lonesome on my bed, with my puppy at my feet, missing my Adina and wishing two things. First, I wish I weren't so GD broke. Yes, I know it's my fault if I don't pick up more shifts, but I'm still whomp over it. And second, I wish I had something to do right now, and someone to do it with.
I have had a fantastic couple of days with my bestest best. It's lonely, now that she's gone.
My carpal tunnel is acting up, or I hurt my hand. One of the two. More later.
The last two days I have been visiting with my best friend, so my small joys are going to consist of all the great things we've done together!
Ice cream and grilled cheese on rye from Kelly's. We took our lunch down to the dock at Skansie Brothers Park, where we ate and talked. Adina loves her some licorice ice cream!
Conversation with random strangerrs. While at the dock, we struck up a conversation with this fantastic older man, dubbed "Sunscreen Man" by us, who talked to us about everything from traveling to former jobs to sunscreen. He wanted to show us this super sunscreen he uses, and he took a giant glob and just left it on his nose. Never rubbed it in. So weird. He took a picture with us before we left.
Living where we live. We drove out to the Purdy Spit and walked along the beach taking pictures. Love.
Virgin Mary tramp stamps. We went tattoo shopping with Dana in Tacoma for her newest tattoo of the Virgin Mary, to go on her lower back. While looking through one of the artist's books, we actually found a picture of my most recent tattoo!
Dave. We met our friend Dave and his new girlfriend, Carol, at Shari's in Tacoma. They were sooo cute.
Finding my lost dog this morning! Klondike got away from us at Adina's dad's house, and we spent two hours looking for him! Once we found him, he was grounded....
Gig Harbor City Park, or whatever it's called now. We went and got some food and took it to the park to relax in the sunshine. 
Going to see The Kind play in Lakewood tonight. Dana's boyfriend, Drew is in the band, and I'm very excited to hear them play!
It's been a busy couple of days, but so much fun.
I had a wonderful lunch with my dad before work today. I miss him. I don't realize how much I just miss him being here, all the time. I hate that he lives hours and hours away. I miss having him in the other room. I almost forget what that was like.
We met at the mall to eat lunch cheap, and had good lunch and even better conversation. I've been kind of spacy lately because of one of the medications I am on, and we were talking about how I feel. It's like the world is happening in fast speed around me, and I am outside of myself, yet inside as well.... Hard to explain, but he got it right away. He says that's how he feels when he meditates. He also bought me coffee, in an attempt to snap me out of my trance before work. I miss him.
I am very excited, though, because I have the next two days off, and my bestest best friend Adina is coming home to visit from Bellingham. I can not wait to see her. She's been my best friend since almost the minute we met, my connection to her is so strong. 
This is my bestest best and I only days after we became friends. We'd maybe been friends a week.
Here we are last summer, celebrating her birthday of birthdayness. We went to the zoo.
Finally, here is our most recent. Angela took it of us last week when we were in Pt. Townsend.
Anyway, I am so excited to see my favorite person. Pretty much can't wait.
I've been reading this blog and recently read about this new band (new to me, anyway) called The Weepies. World Spins Madly On is my new favorite song. It's kind of a small joy for the middle of the week!
Or am learning, as I grow up and old.
Life isn't fair, and life isn't perfect, but that doesn't mean that you have to sit back and put up with the status quo. Change comes about when people refuse to settle and SPEAK UP!
You have to BE the change, not wait for it!
Not everyone can be there for you everytime. If you live long enough, everyone you know will disappoint you eventually. It's up to you to decide if the particular disappointment is something that you can live with.
Old people are amazing. They have so many stories to tell, and most are willing to tell them to you. All you have to do is ask.
A life without some sort of work is meaningless. The things that mean the most are the things you work the hardest for.
Just because a few people hurt you doesn't make you worthless, or mean that everyone will hurt you.
No one loves me as much as my dog loves me.
Except maybe my parents.
This life is a short one, and you only get to be here once, so please, make the most of it, and surround yourself with people who lift you up and make you strive to be a better person. The other ones don't matter.
I'm off my soapbox now.
Work was long, and hard, and I wanted to rip my hair out at times, but man do I love the people I work with. And some of my patients I am just so lucky to meet.
I hope anyway.
I just went outside to put my latest Northern Exposure disk in the mail to send back to Netflix, and I'll tell you what. It is a gorgeous night. It's doing that sprinkling thing that happens after a bigger rain, and while it's rained off an on the last day or two, tonight, tonight I smell fall in the air.
I love fall. I love fall in Gig Harbor. I love where I live, I love the energy in the air. Technically it's still summer, but pretty soon comes my sister's wedding, then the AIDS Walk, and then school starts, and then my birthday marks the beginning of a birthday/holiday season for my family. I love sweaters. I love Christmas lights, and our small towns nighttime lights reflected in puddles in the roads. I love the world.
I can go outside right now and smell fall if I want to. I just did. Do you know what it told me?
It told me I am going to be okay. Caleb or no Caleb, boyfriend or single, even if I am 24 years old (almost 25) and living with my mom for another year, with at least one or two friendships up in the air and my life very much in a state of flux.
I am going to be okay. We all are. I wish you all a happy rainy season.
My goal for myself right now is to improve my lifestyle by lessening my impact on the world around me, and also by decreasing the amount of toxins that I put into my body. I understand that this is a pretty big undertaking, but I want to start with small goals that I can easily use to change my lifestyle on a long term basis.
Vegetarianism. I want to cut back on the amount of meat that I consume, because when I eat meat it makes me nauseous, and when I eat meat I tend to do the fast food, unhealthy route. This will force me to be more conscious of what I am putting into my body at a given time.
Actively recycle all of the garbage that leaves my room, bathroom, or car. I want to be more aware of what I'm doing with my trash, instead of putting it all in the garbage because it's easier. Especially since we don't even have to sort our recycling anymore. You simply either put it in the big trash can or the big recycling bin.
Actually use my reusable grocery bags EVERY TIME. I have the reusable bags. I just forget to put the bag in my car. Lamest excuse ever.
Do not buy any more cosmetics until I run out of the ones I have. And then buy green cosmetics. I have more lotion/makeup/bubble bath/perfume than anyone I've ever met. I don't need more.
All of my new clothes are going to be bought second hand, except for jeans, because my butt is hard to fit. And I also have to exercise good stewardship in the second hand clothing I spend my money on. Less impulse buys. And I am going to get rid of the clothing that doesn't fit me anymore. Really. This week.
Excercise better stewardship with my gas. I don't need to drive as much as I do. And if I just need to get out of the house, I'll go for a walk.
Excercise more. At least three times a week. Outside of the house. No exceptions.
Limit my gossip and embrace the people who don't gossip. Wholesome conversation with good friends. Cutting the drama from my life.
Goodness. I have been so overwhelmed with prior commitment and poor judgement that I completely forgot to Small Joy on Friday. So here we go. A Small Joys Sunday, I guess.
Going "green". Lately I've been reading this blog and I have found it to be so inspiring. I'm honestly a little bit jealous. I wish that I were in a situation where I could do something like Sara and her little family!
Going to Pt. Townsend with Angela to see Adina. Angela and I had such a fun time driving out to Pt. Townsend, and it felt so amazingly good to see my bestest best friend again. I miss Adina so much, all the time. I got a fantastic picture of Adina and I to add to our collection of fantastic pictures together, so I am happy.
Having a long overdue lunch with my dad. My dad and I finally got some alone time on Friday when we met in Silverdale for lunch at the Olive Garden. I was able to talk to him about all the bipolar stuff, as well as some stuff that I've been working on with the sexual assault therapist, and it was a really good conversation. I felt really loved. And it felt good, albeit awkward, to talk about everything and come clean with someone. After lunch we went to the Starbucks at Barnes and Nobles and he burned tons of my cds while we talked.
My "big sister", Dana. I met Dana on Friday after seeing my dad, and we watched The Emperor's New Groove. She has decided to adopt me as her sister, because she wants a fake sister, also, so there you go. Now I have an older "sister" and a younger "sister". It was a good time, until the boozing began. We also talked about taking an art class together, which would be just what this girl needs.
This really great book that was recommended to me by my sexual assault therapist. It's called The Rape Recovery Handbook, by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D., and it's been really helpful at making me face some things from my past I've been avoiding. It's also helped me to open some lines of communication with my family.
Speaking of, my family has been a notsosmall joy to me this week. My brother Chris and my mom both helped me through a major freakout last night, and I love them so much for their support.
Test driving vegetarianism. I'm kind of testing the waters, so to speak, but so far, I'm intrigued. This may be a lifestyle change that sticks.
My puppy, Klondike. It's nice to know that I am his favorite. Lately he's taken to sleeping up on my pillow, right above my head. I heart him.
Tegan and Sara who I have only just started listening to and love. This song is my favorite!
I suppose this can be enough small joying for this week. I should really go let my brother's dog out, and sleeping would be nice, also, no? I hope this finds you all doing as well as I am at this moment.
One long hangover later....
Saturday, August 18, 2007 | Classifications:: Random Life, RelationshipsWell, I feel much better about almost everything.
Jake is a friend who I have known my whole life. Our parents used to be best friends. We used to joke about getting married when we grew up. I told him once, two years ago, that I loved him.
He has a girlfriend who he lives with and loves, and last night I was drunk, depressed, and had a temper tantrum/period of compulsive honesty.
I wish I hadn't said anything. We are both in my sister's wedding on September 2. Golly, I can't wait to see him in person. Can't wait.
Last night I went out to Dana's new apartment because she wanted to do a ritual burning of the ex's stuff. That went well, I suppose, but we decided to commemorate the event with Sambuco(?) and beer margaritas.
I don't drink. This is why.
I was a terrible, embarassing mess last night. I called Jake and told him things I didn't want to tell him. Awesome. No.
I relived some horrible things I have been trying to forget for fifteen years. No good.
Today I feel like throwing up. But I really want to buy the tshirt Dana is wearing in the above picture. It's super cute.
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"
Friday, August 17, 2007 | Classifications:: Religion
"The Buddha reflected on Brahma's plea as he was sitting next to a lotus pond. He saw that most of the lotus plants stayed stuck in the mud, beneath the surface and the light of day, and some were barely breaking the surface, but there were a few lotuses that had broken forth into the sunlight and blossomed. The Buddha likened humans to the lotus flowers. Out of the deluded mud of human existence, filled with greed, hatred, and delusion, in a world where wars, oppression, and lust rule the masses, there are those who can and will rise above the muck and emerge victorious against suffering."
- Against the Stream: A Buddhist Manual for Spiritual Revolutionaries by Noah Levine, p. 17.
I don't know why. I'm still lonely sometimes, and unhappy with my job, but as for my actual self? Today I am in love with it.
My poor stepsister had to have titanium joints(?) or some sort of reinforcment for the joints in her wrists. That's crazy. She apparently can't use either hand right now? I don't know. So sad.
I miss Adina. I saw her today and I miss her.
Can you tell my heart is empty and caving in on itself? That's how it feels right now.
I want to create something achingly, beautifully sad.
The world is my oyster. I can't tell if I want to dive in headfirst and taste the world, or hide under my covers and sleep until it stops hurting.
That doesn't sound very productive.
I wish I could create a world like the one inside of my head. That world is beautiful, and exotic, and it smells like spices and warmth, and there are lots of greens, blues, yellows, browns.... And there are wooded areas, and meadows, and fairies and cities probably exist too, wild and pulsating and ALIVE.
And no preservatives. In my head there are no preservatives.
Instead there is nothing. And there are preservatives. And mundane. And I have no way to express. It is just trapped inside my ruined brain, aching, dying to come out.
I need to create... something
Tonight I was full of nervous energy, as seems to be the status quo these days, so I made these bibs for Andrea's son, Bobby. I need to put the snaps on, but then they are ready to be mailed to her. Or maybe I'll drive them down. I don't know yet. We'll see how I am for cash after payday.
I am so excited to see Adina tomorrow. It's been too long.
My stepsister had surgery today on her wrists. She broke them both over the weekend, and apparently destroyed the joints. I haven't heard how she is yet, so that's no good. I mean, I'm sure she's fine, but I don't know the prognosis for her hands. They had to do major reconstructive surgery. Totally sucks.
Summer is passing quickly, and September is fast upon us, which for me means it's time again for the Pierce County AIDS Walk. This will be my second time walking for the Pierce County AIDS Foundation, and I am really looking forward to doing it. Last year my friend Dana and I walked together, and it was an absolute blast.
Here's a picture of Dana and I at the finish of last year's walk!
The thing that I love about the AIDS Walk in particular is the location. They start at the University of Washington, Tacoma campus, which is right in the heart of downtown, and it takes you down Pacific to the PCAF building and then up past the Thea Foss Waterway, so it's really a high profile area. Dana and I had such a blast doing it just the two of us, and this year it should be even better!
This year I decided to start my own team, as opposed to just walking individually. In addition to Dana and I, my mom, my brother Chris, and my friends Laini and Angela are all walking as well. Not only does that (in theory) mean more opportunities to fundraise, but it also means that the walk itself will be a bigger event, and I hope to increase my team size and sponsorship with each year that I do the walk.
The AIDS Walk is a really important event for me, and PCAF is an important organization, because it touches my life in a very personal way. One of my darling friends, Christopher, tested HIV positive in the Winter/Spring of 2006, and that seriously rocked my world. It took me awhile to process the information, because in the same "it could never happen to me" thought process, I also never imagined something like this happening to someone I am close to, who I love dearly. Last year was my first opportunity to walk for Christopher, and it's something I plan on doing until a cure is reached. I love my darling friend very much, and the organization does amazing work. If any of you are in my area and would like to walk, feel free to register for my team, or if you are not in the area, but would like to make an online donation, that would be so appreciated as well. Both can be done on my AIDS Walk team page. Thank you all in advance.
Walking for Christopher
Um, I crafted! And crafted some more!
I really need my house to be more organized so that I don't feel like shooting myself everytime I sew something. Having said that, here is what I did today.
First, I made this cute tote bag for my friend Adina. I used different fabric than I was originally planning, because my youngest brother had some pj pants he was getting rid of. Anyway, here it is!
I think it turned out really well, although I had to make some adjustments to the pattern. I am in firm belief that the measurements given for the straps were wrong, and I would do them differently if I ever make this bag again. But overall, I am pleased with how it t urned out.
Second, although actually I made it first, was this dress. It was really easy, I basically just had to hem it and sew up the back, but I am pleased with how it turned out. I had several people tell me I should just buy the hemming stuff that you just iron, but I really love the look of a real, stitched hem, and I used a bright red thread to kind of contrast the blue and white. I'm sure no one else would notice, but I do!
So that was the day I had today! The house is still a mess, but I got to do some stuff today, and that makes me feel good. I am going to go to Pt. Townsend on Wednesday with Adina, cross your fingers, and I am glad that I will have her present! Yay.
I was surfing the internet last night reading my blogs that I usually read, and I came across this blog that I find so inspiring. I am insane with jealousy that this family is able to do this, and I wish I were in a position to do something similar. I like how they remodeled their entire RV to be as "green" as they possibly can. I really wish that I could convert my car to run on veggie oil, but the cost to make that happen is way more than I can afford. How convenient would that be, though?
Today I am at my grandma's house. We walked down to Burger King where we had lunch together, and then I spent awhile trying to fix her printer for her, but no such luck. Electronics and I do not get along. I'm almost afraid to own them sometimes.
I'm a little distressed with my life right now. I'm not very content, and I'm working on that. A large part of that feeling is that I don't really have a place where I can just be on my days off, because our house is in remodeling disarray. I wish that I could afford to move out now, but I guess this next year will be over sooner than I think, and I'll be looking at apartments soon enough. It would probably be wise to start setting aside money for rent/pet deposits/etc. now, so that in a year I won't be struggling to move out.
My grandma is coughing up a lung behind me. No good. I wish she'd stop. I don't want to have to reinsert her lung because she coughed it up onto the floor behind me!
Today is lazy. I need to work on being okay with that.
Today I met a man from Gig Harbor who was telling me that in 2001 he was in the Gateway, our local newspaper. He was in the paper because January (I believe) of 2001 he was lost in the Olympics for three days. Do you know how old he was when this happened? Of course you don't, because I haven't told you! He was 82. 82!
I'm 24 years old, and I honestly believe that if I were lost in the Olympic Mountains for three days, then I would be dead when they found me.
This man is so cool. He's kind of my hero. His wife was a cutie, too.
Oh my word, this book came into the library for me today, and I am so in LOVE with it!
There are so many little things I want to make out of this book! I'm going to have to go felt shopping. There's a little blue fish "mascot" that I am dying to make for Adina, who would love it.
Everyone in the world needs to go check this book out.
Oy. I just read a blog wherein my ex who I thought I had so much in common with when we first met, and who was a diehard Barack Obama fan, which was so hot, is now supporting John Edwards. I have absolutely nothing against Edwards.
I just feel like who is this person I was dating? Where did he go?
Weird, man.
I am just dying for several days off and a place to set up the sewing machine! I have tons of projects lined up, and I am so excited about all of them! All of the patterns I'm using came from the book Bend-the-Rules Sewing by Amy Karol, and I can not wait to get started. I'm not even sure what I want to start first!
I'm thinking I might start with something small on Monday/Tuesday, my next set of days off. I was thinking of doing these bibs:
for Andrea's son, Bobby. I don't have any specific material set aside for this project, so it may have to wait, but they look like an easy enough time. I also have some ideas for projects for her girls, but I need old wool sweaters to felt, first. Next payday I am off to Value Village!
I also really want to make the no-cash wallet for when I just need to carry ID and credit cards. The finished project looks like this:
and the material I'm going to use is this:
The green part will replace the orange parts in the model, and then the print will replace the contrasting parts. I think it'll look really good together!
I also want to make a present for Adina, and I was kind of thinking of this tote:
The materials I have set aside for this project are:
The outside would be the blue pattern, with the orange for the lining. I thought of Adina right away when I got this fabric from Rebecca.
Finally, for myself I really want to make a new library bag, and I really like this pleated tote:
My mom and I went shopping at JoAnn Fabric specifically with this tote in mind, and I picked out these fabrics:
The bag would be the brown floral part, with the pleats and lining in the pale pink. I'm really wanting this to look perfect, though, so I think I'll wait until the weekend to start it. Four whole days off in a row is exactly what I need for this project.
I have so many ideas swirling around in my head, and I don't feel like I have enough time off to get them all done. Anybody else feel this way?
I used to read Caleb's sister Andi's blog avidly while he and I were dating, and this was an aspect of her blog that I really loved. It is nice, because I think it helps to point out the little things that make us happy, and since every Friday is my day off, it's something I want to start doing also.
So, without further ado, my small joys for the week....
Talking to my sister on the telephone yesterday. I talked to Julie for the first time in about a month, about plans for her wedding, which is coming up in a month. I am going to be a bridesmaid, and I was excited to hear how plans are going, as well as to talk about my vacation plans, as I will be staying in California for about a week after the wedding. I'm excited to go to San Francisco because I want to stop in a Chinatown and pick up a parasol for a friend of mine. I'm on the phone with my Ohnee right now, and she is excited, also.
The prospect of buying the pattern for this Note Taker.
I want to make one for me, and a couple more for some people I have classes with maybe. I think they are so cheerful and so cute! The pattern is sold through one of the blogs I read, Pink Chalk Studio.
Spending so much time with Dana and Angela this week. I really enjoy both of these girls, and love how comfortable all of our friendships are getting. I see them both at least once a week it seems, and am glad that I have people my age who enjoy the same things that I do! It amazes me how many friends I really have.
Sauteeing veggies with olive oil for lunches and dinners. I haven't had an appetite for really heavy foods lately, and this meal is the perfect meal for warm weather days.
The Wicked soundtrack. This soundtrack makes me so happy. It's all I've been listening to in the car lately!
Selling another text book on Half.com. It seems like everytime I'm feeling desperate about money, something falls into place. I love knowing that God's watching out for me like that!
Picking up my AIDS Walk team materials. I got brochures and posters, as well as my tshirt. My team is growing, and they all get tshirts as well the day of the walk!
I think that is enough small joys for today. More next week!
This morning I woke up so freaking early because I told Angela that I would meet her at Titus Will and entertain her while they fixed her car. I got to the Ford dealership at 9am almost exactly, and we decided that coffee was in order, so we headed over to the Starbuck's at the mall. We got our drinks, and some Minibons, and sat in the massage chairs, because we go first class all the way, baby.
After breakfast we made our way down to Nordstrom's to try on really expensive girly shoes, just because why not? I found some fantastic Ugg boots that I am going to request for Christmas from my mom, and then I tried on this amazing pair of Franco Sarto pumps:
Angela tried on these shoes in black, because the entire nation is out of her size in the red pictured here:
She loved the black ones so much that she impulse bought them, and she doesn't even wear high heels! Of course, with her new girly shoes, she needed to see what they would look like with dresses, so we did that next. It was fun seeing her dressed as a girl for a change! These are my two favorite pictures:
After the dress shopping we drove over to Borders, which was fun because Kinnearing was had, and I love to Kinnear! First I accidentally Kinneared myself while Kinnearing Angela, which was rad, and then I Kinneared Angela again. The best was when she emailed me her pictures, and I realized that she had Kinneared me as well!
We also walked over to the World Market and Pier One, which I loved. I haven't been to World Market in so long, and I really do love that store. The stuff is fantastic, and so cheap! I found this scarf that I really really want to buy, but I'm poor so there. Someday soon, though, I hope I have an extra $20, because it was really colorful and so soft. (I need another scarf like I need another hole in my head!)
I came home to find half of our new cabinets installed, so that was nice. It was nice because it's a start on finishing the kitchen, and also because we ate out, so there is no dinner mess to clean up. I am so tired, and all I want to do is take a bath, and watch some Northern Exposure in bed. Which is exactly what I'm going to do.
One of the things I dislike most about myself, in my relationships with others specifically, is my inability to look at things as anything other than black or white. This whole Caleb debacle is a prime example. One of the aspects of his personality that I found the most intimidating was his cold ability to apparently turn his feelings/emotions for a person off, and just be done with them. The past is the past. I tend to think of life as more cyclical, with the past being something I learn from and carry with me. As a result I have a hard time leaving people and memories behind. But anyway, I digress.
When I spoke to Caleb on the phone after he sent my breakup text message, I was surprised at how cold he sounded. How completely disinterested in talking to me he sounded. I'd heard that tone twice before in our short two month relationship. But he simply didn't care, and you could hear that in his tone. If I think about it, I have a very hard time reconciling that moment with, for example, the last time I saw Caleb in person. I had just gotten home from Chelan, a week prior to this conversation, and I called to let him know I was home. He wanted to see me as soon as possible, and I drove down to Olympia that night. He was kind when I saw him, and fun, and funny, and caring, and he told me how important I was. He told me how much he liked me. He told me I had nothing to worry about, and mentioned how much his mom liked me, also.
He told me I was beautiful and smart, often. He told me I was smarter than I thought. He told me I was his lobster, and that he felt like every other girl he had dated was in preparation for meeting me.
When we broke up he told me he never really felt the lobster thing, but he felt pressured to say it. He told me he couldn't handle my ups and downs. My problem is this: we have two situations here, black and white. Black is the break up Caleb, who doesn't care, shows no emotion, and never really felt lobster feelings at all. White is the Caleb who cared, who thought I was beautiful, really liked me, possibly saw a future with me. In my brain, there is no grey area. The two can not exist at the same time. It's not possible for Caleb to be so cold and heartless during our breakup, and ever have honestly felt those good feelings. So, consequently, because we broke up, then in my head Caleb never liked me ever, didn't think I was smart, or beautiful, and in fact couldn't stand me, because I am unloveable.
I'm nuts.
All of this is irrelevant, because our value systems were so completely different that even if he hadn't broken up with me, I would never have felt comfortable being 100% myself with him. I hate life lessons.
I am so happy that my friends are my friends. Today I spent time with both Angela and Dana, helping Dana move into her new apartment, and I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for their friendship. It's a good threesome. We work well together and in pieces. They both mean a lot to me. They've both been there for me like you wouldn't believe while I've been selfish and crazy. I love them.
I picked Angela up and we met Dana at Target, and followed her to the house she's been living in with a friend. We loaded up Dana's truck and took apart her terrarium, and put her Geckos, Betty and Samson, into the truck in a little carrier. Then we followed her to the new apartment.
I love the new apartment because it's in the same building as the studio Dana was living in when we first started hanging out, so it has a sentimental kick for me. And also it's cute as hell. We unloaded the truck, set up the lizards, and wasted time for awhile, until Dana had to go to work.
Angela and I went to Shari's for lunch, which the two of us are never doing again, because we both got violently nauseous and sleepy, and I am still burping up friend food. As a result, we didn't have much energy to do more than drive to Purdy to meet Rebecca from work who was giving me free fabric, and then take Angela back home. I came home and took a 3 hour nap, woke up still tasting fried food, with no real appetite, and have now uploaded the photos to Flickr, where you should all go look at them.
Yay.
And hey, you? I don't like your girlfriend.
Well, as anyone who knows me is aware, earlier this summer, on the 4th of July, actually, I had what I thought was an unbelievable panic attack and ended up in the ER. After my ER visit, and subsequent visits with my therapist and psychiatrist, it was determined that I was more than likely bipolar II, and in a mixed state when I was in the ER. What followed was a period of hypomania, and then a period of adjustment after they put me on mood stabilizer. All of this happened over a month ago, and the hardest thing about all this adjusting is that I have been completely unmotivated to do any kind of housekeeping type activity.
Tonight? I finally cleaned my room, and am finishing up my last loads of laundry. I will probably end up finishing the laundry tomorrow, but either way, my room is clean, and for the first time in a month I can tell which clothes are clean without having to smell them first. So gross.
Tonight after work Dana and I went to Shari's for snacklys and coffee, decaf for me of course! I really love both Dana and Angela, who have rallied behind me throughout this whole ordeal. I feel so lucky to have met both of these girls, and just really enjoy spending time with them. I'll get to see them both tomorrow, because I am helping Dana move her terrarium, and then Angela and I are doing SOMETHING free, 'cause I'm so broke. We had to reschedule our Canadia trip because of my lack of fundage....
I'm also beginning work on my tote on my two days off. I want to do it when my mom's home, though, so she can help me with any mishaps. I may just wait until next week. I don't know. We're having the kitchen remodeled this weekend. I think the remodel starts tomorrow, and I am just thinking it's going to just be too overwhelming. But I want my new library bag, one that is smallerr and more manageable. And cute, and made by me!
Today I am going into PCAF to pick up my team captain information for the AIDS walk this September. I'm really excited about it. I'm not sure what all I will be picking up from the place, probably donation information or something, but it should be interesting. I'm starting to get excited about the walk. I have an actual team sized team, even if Caleb isn't a member anymore.
I've temporarily given up meat, as it's been making me violently nauseous. I've been pretty much existing on vegetables of all kinds at the moment. I realize that if this is going to be a more long term thing, I'm going to have to do better than vegetables, but right now I'm surviving.
Just wanted to leave a quick update before I go get ready for work. I'm excited for a day off tomorrow. I am going to make the pleated tote bag from Amy Karol's sewing book. We bought the material and it is gorgeous!
I want to preface this blog by saying that when it comes to affilliating myself with a specific religious group, that I have taken my time in making this important decision, and I have certainly tried on a few before I found one that fit. I was baptized and raised Catholic within my family, sent to a non-denominational Evangelical private school for 9 years of my childhood, and at one point regularly attended a Presbyterian church here in Gig Harbor. However, when the time in my life came where I felt I needed to commit to a church, become a member of a church, it was the Catholic church I looked to. I feel that when it comes to a religious group, Catholocism gives me the most connections, be they spiritual, familial, or cultural. I am proud of my choice.
Having said that, I watched an amazing and eye opening documentary tonight with one of my younger brothers. It was called Deliver Us From Evil and it was about a Catholic priest named Father Oliver O'Grady, and the many children he molested, as well as the LA archdiocese decision to hide this information, and the church as an institutions history of covering up these allegations, and I was overwhelmed. I was awestruck. I felt a connection with these people, being a victim of sexual assault myself. I can't imagine what it would be like if it were your priest. Someone you trust like that. I don't even know.
It's late, and I'm tired (excuse the typos!), so I'm ending on this note, but please, anyone who's interested, the documentary is Deliver Us From Evil, and it's amazing.
On a lighter note, I finished my first project from my new sewing book that I have been raving and raving about. Pictures? Of course!
It's a clutch type purse, but it still needs a button. I just have to wait until my mom wakes up tomorrow so I can pick one out.... The fabric on the outside is from an old pair of pajama bottoms, and the lining is from a shirt Jon gave me when we were dating!
Also, just for kicks, Laini got "kinneared".
Go to www.yarnharlot.ca/blog to see what kinneared means. Seriously. It's hilarious.
Okay, goodnight.
I feel outside of life, and I don't feel like myself today. Or really, I haven't felt like myself in ages. I'm disappearing, and I've been replaced with an unmotivated, lazy person. My room is filthy. If you know me, my room is never filthy. Cluttered, yes, because I have an apartment's worth of stuff in a tiny bedroom, but never filthy. It's gross right now. I need to clean, but I have no motivation. I need more money. I need out of debt, and I need to be able to cross the bridge when I want, because I am starving socially. Laini and Ryan are taking family bonding time, which is great, but all of my other friends are on the other side of the bridge, and I currently don't have the means to get across. I am losing my mind. I'm missing my craft buddy. I feel left behind, which is fine, but I have all these projects I am excited about, and no one to do them with. Although, tons o' people responded to my bulletin about scraps of material, so that should be awesome. I'm going to have my mom set up the sewing machine with me tonight so I can get started. I'm very excited. I had a fun lunch with Dana today. That was awesome. I miss her. I hate the stupid bridge tolls.
Awhile back I stole a blog idea from Adina. The jist was to write 8 messages to 8 unnamed people, and I feel an urge to do so again. So here we go: 1. I was really worried about some of the choices that you were making, but I'm really glad to see you coming into your own, and becoming a better you. Well, I wanted to do ten, not eight, apparently, so there you are folks. That was cathartic.
2. I tend to take you for granted sometimes, but ultimately I know that you are the best friend that I have, and I hope you know that. No one else sticks like you stick.
3. I really have a crush on you, and I think that if you would give me a chance we would be really good together, but I think if I have to convince you to give me a chance than that's a dangerous sign.
4. I think that you are so self-righteous and you talk about how smart you are, but really? I'm kind of underimpressed.
5. Everything you've ever said to me is a lie. Everything. I was stupid for believing otherwise.
6. I really do love you. I know it would never work, because I don't think the two of us will ever be in the same place, but if you asked me to marry you today I would say yes, and that makes me feel bad.
7. The first time I met you I wanted to be you, and I'm really excited at the prospect of becoming better friends.
8. I never liked you when you were dating my friend. Now I like you better than I like her.
9. I think you are treating my family and I in a poor manner, considering all the things we do for you. You are being short with me, and my family, and you are being distant and rude. I wish I could tell you this.
10. I don't deserve your friendship sometimes. I know that you have said things about me that have made me angry, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I have said things about you as well, and I feel bad about that because you are a terrific friend.
