i feel you in my heart and i don't even know you

This year has been a weird, rough ride, and I'm mostly glad to see it end. Some good things have happened, but overall I feel like this year was a year of disappointment. For me 2007 saw the end of a relationship that consumed me off and on for about three years, the end of a ten year friendship, and the world's least healthy relationship. My brother joined the Marines. That sucked, even though I'm proud of him. My best friend moved three hours away. I was put on a medication regime that blows my mind. And dating has sucked. Oh yeah, and I got fatter.

I'm not sure how different 2008 will be, but something's gotta give. My goals are to save more money, eat less junk food, and not miss any classes to get back on the Dean's list. I want to try to take my mind off of dating, at least until I graduate. I want to develope better relationships with some of the newer members of my family.

My Everest

I am so pleased with myself. Several weeks ago I started reading And The Band Played On by Randy Shilts, and I've slowly but surely been plodding through it. It's a fascinating book; I'd love to work with PWA's someday. It's just that it was such a dry read that I had a hard time reading more than a chapter in a sitting. And it's LONG! But tonight I finally finished it, and I am so happy. It was really good.

I'm glad it's done, because I have two new Christmas books to read. I got Love in the Time of Cholera and Eat Pray Love. I have heard they are both very good, but I'm not sure which one I'll read first. I also have an AIDS Memoir from the library, but I think I'll read one of my Christmas books first.

New, less Christmassy layout. I like it. What do you all think?

i guess we're back to normal.

Christmas is over, again. It feels like it all just flew by. I don't feel like I had a ton of time to really be in the moment this year. That's okay, though. I'm just going to trust that next year will be better, what with school and internship being taken out of the equation. I'm really starting to stress about life is going to be like post school. I'm not sure I'm ready to stop pretending and start actually being a real adult!

I had a good conversation with the new program director at my internship today. I expressed some of my apprehensions about graduating, and he offered to sit down with me in the spring and discuss some of my options. It was a little security blanket that was much needed!

Yesterday I went to my dad's to do Christmas there, and then afterwards I went to pick up Dana, and we had some girl time. It was really relaxing. We went to the Vertigo Lounge on the 26th floor of the Sheraton in downtown Tacoma and shared a bottle of wine. The ambiance was great, and the view was spectacular. As Dana put it, "it's amazing how beautiful Tacoma is when you're not up close to it!" After our wine we each had an Irish Coffee to prepare us for the freezing weather outside!

We went on down to Doyle's, where she had a beer. I had been craving a Guinness all day, so that was what I settled for. Then we hopped on down to another bar for some pear cider. It was a great night with my Dana, very relaxing, just the two of us, which we haven't done in a long time!

I'm gearing up to teach my computer class at the internship in a couple of minutes, and then I'm out of here at two. Tonight Dana, Angela and I are going to dinner and then to see Juno at the Grand. It should be a good time.

Merry Christmas!

I have so very little to give.

I feel so empty inside. My brain is numb, and my body is worn out. I feel emotionally overcharged, but drained at the same time. My synapses want to hide from the world. I'm not sure how much of this is my disorder, med related, or result of recent events, but I feel empty.

I want to find my match, and sometimes I think that my personality is so passionate, dominant, overpowering, that there is no match for me. Either I push away the people who interest me, or I am bored by the ones who want me. There has to be someone out there who will challenge and stimulate me as much as I stimulate them.

I never really thought that Brendon was that match. We are too different, and he is too... focused on himself right now anyway. He was attracted to me, or so he said, but I'm not sure how well he tried to get to know me. Or maybe I'm being unfair because I'm mad.

I did wonder if Dan would be a good match for me, but he has yet to set a date for our date, and I called him on it today. We messaged back and forth, and I'm afraid I pushed too far.

Sometimes I think I'm too tired to be in a relationship anyway. I have nothing to offer right now. But I think that comes from being disappointed. Twice. In twenty four hours.

Fuck this. I'm off to bed.

What I Wish I Had Said.

Life happens, pal. It's happening now, as we speak. It doesn't wait for you to catch up, or be less depressed, or finish hiding from the world. While you are hiding in your apartment, waiting for things to get better, life is happening, all around you. People are coming, and you have to jump at those opportunities to form relationships, because people will keep going.

Life is hard, but hiding doesn't make it better. Making excuses for your behavior isn't going to make you a better person. Facing your issues, and your fears, is what will ultimately make you a stronger, more worthwhile individual.

Don't put your concerns and insecurities on me. I love who I am. I may have quirks that I deal with as a result of my disease, but ultimately, I own it. I make it my own. I am always genuinely honest about who I am and what I want.

Are you? Do you even know what that is? Because life isn't going to pause itself while you figure it out.

So Wednesday night was Dana's Christmas party. It was quite a bit of fun. I showed up a couple of hours early to help make food. I even learned how to make sushi! Although, the sushi I made was not vegetarian so I had to wash my hands like crazy after handling all that fish. I'm pretty darn allergic, and didn't want to take a side trip to the ER on my day off! I didn't stay very long, but both Dana and Angela loved their Christmas presents. Dana wore her hat while making curry.

Thursday night was a good day as well. Angela and I met up after my internship, and we had dinner at Subway, followed by a movie at the Grand. We saw Into The Wild, which was absolutely amazing. The story was amazing, the scenery was breathtaking, and Emile Hirsch was an excellent Alexander Supertramp. I knew the movie was going to be sad, because I knew the story from the book by John Krakauer, but I wasn't prepared for how sad it was going to make me. It's been haunting me ever since we saw it. I so highly recommend this movie.

Yesterday was the Christmas party at my internship, so that was my afternoon. That night my brother Chris and I went to dinner at Tokyo, and then to see The Golden Compass. That was also a really good movie.

I'm staying at Brendon's house for the third night in a row. That seems to be going well. Dan never responded to my messages about rescheduling our date, so I don't know if that's going to happen or not. But I'm enjoying getting to know Brendon better.

My writing is making me angry. I feel a lack of emotion for anything I'm writing, like all this is, really, is a diary entry of my day, with no feeling. I don't know. I'm sure it's just something I'll have to push through.

Calming Down....

Well, as you've all noticed, it's been a really hectic Fall quarter. There were some more issues with my practicum liason, and it's left me with a temporary incomplete in my practicum. However, tomorrow I am having my instructor sign off the last time sheet for the quarter, and then the incomplete will be gone. I'm feeling much calmer about this right now that I was last night.

But, I am on a mission to chill the F out. Tomorrow is my first day back at the internship in a week, so that's exciting. Also, after the internship I am going to Dana's apartment to get ready for the Christmas party. Her present was finished, and I just finished Angela's last night, so I am ready. I'd post a picture, but sometimes she reads this, so.... But the Christmas party will be fun, and then I don't work at the hospital until Saturday. I will work Saturday - Monday, and then will be off until the next Saturday. Next week should be fun!

I'm trying to relax, y'all.

Huh.

Nothing I write makes me happy anymore. I feel like I sound too whiny, or too boring, or something. I probably do, but I think I need to just get over it.

I'm about a third of the way done on Angela's Christmas present. I want to have it finished by the Christmas party at Dana's house on Wednesday, so I spent a good amount of time working on it tonight while watching Degrassi with Joe.

I just barely passed my research class this fall. Barely. I pretty much think my teacher hates me. Somehow, I think I'll survive.

I have been sick with a sinus infection for days, and Dan (my date for tomorrow night) has some sort of virus so we have "rescheduled". I use the term loosely, because we haven't actually rescheduled. More like committed to getting together at a later, unspecified date when we are both feeling better.

I'm tired. I gonna go read my book. I'm reading And the Band Played On, and I'm halfway through it. I want to finish it by the end of the week, so I have to push myself.

I love Winter, but I miss summer, too.

I was looking through all the pictures on my computer tonight, helping Joe find pictures to put on a digital keychain for his mom. While looking through pictures from this summer, I came across some pictures of my ladies and I in what was one of my favorite summer trends: swimming with your clothes on. As far as I am concerned my blue dress is my favorite bathing suit!

Here is Dana, myself and Adina, respectively, swimming at Whatcom Falls in Bellingham, and at Owen Beach in Tacoma. Love.

dumbest girl ever

I have had my practicum evaluation finished for two weeks now. I have been to the social work office several times over the last two weeks.

I just got an email from my practicum liason letting me know I forgot to turn it in. It's due 7:30am on Monday. I am so mad that I forgot.

I am so sick. I quit.

Word to the Mothership

On top of all the major things going on in my family's life right now, I am very sick. I have the mother of all colds, and I think my head has doubled in size. My brain has it's own pulse. Sometimes it's hard being the caretaker and the backbone, when all I want is someone to caretake me.

I am waiting on one more Christmas present to come in the mail, for my sister Maria, and then I am done. No, scratch that. I have to knit Angela's present, and then I am done. My mom's present came today, and I am very pleased. I also got the last part of my sister Natalie's present. So close to being finished!

Tonight I took a break from the homefront and caught dinner and a movie with Angela. We had pasta at TGI Friday's, and then we went to the Grand to see Lars & the Real Girl. It was amazing. Very cute. Next week we are going to see Into The Wild, also showing at the Grand. It was a good night. I played around with the settings on my camera, and got some very goofy pictures.

This Monday I am going on a date. I am going on a date with a guy I have known since I was 14. Tonight when I was at dinner he sent me a text message asking me if he would get to hold my hand. Adina and I both got very girly over the cuteness of it. I'm excited to see what happens.

family stuff

Hey all, I've been going through some chaotic and pretty serious family stuff, and I just wanted to ask you all to keep my family in your thoughts right now. Things are kind of hard.

I don't want to go to into detail here, because it's not really my business to talk about family members without their permission, but we need your thoughts and prayers right now, if you are so inclined.

Thanks a bunch.

There's not enough time for living.

I feel like everything is moving by so quickly that I don't have time to be a part of it all. There is so much I want to be doing. I unfortunately have to work and do my internship throughout the break. It's just a lot to be doing, and I feel constantly tired, and like the holiday season is passing me by.

I'm also a little bummed because I met someone that I really liked, but he is going through some stuff and doesn't feel like he would do a relationship justice right now. I appreciate his honesty and value the friendship we are building, but I am so tired of being alone. Whatever.

I got so much done today! I went to the post office and mailed off all of my Christmas cards, including the one to Bryan. That one was hard to write. I also went to Target and got prints made for my dad's birthday present, and gift wrap for Natalie, Maria, Rhonda and Dana's presents. I bought myself a new bracelet and some legwarmers, because I'm a bad girl. This evening I met my friend Amanda at the Starbucks at UWT for some coffee and conversation before she leaves town for the holidays. It was really fun talking to her outside of school. She showed me her sonogram picture, and the baby is SO TINY! We went to the bookstore and I bought The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides.

Tomorrow Dana and I are going to yoga at the Y, and then we are working out some. It will be good for my fat self. I can't wait until the holidays are over and I can afford a membership to the Y. I'm just excited to be doing something, even if it does being at the Y by 9:15. So early.

I'm in a state of turmoil. I'm trying not to be.

Apparently I don't sleep.

I miss having my best friend live close by more than I can say. I love my other two girls, Angela and Dana, more than they even know, but I would give my right arm for Adina to be here again. Even if she apparently does hate the Harbor now, traitorous wench that she be.

Adina and I signed up for the Human Pets application on facebook, and were bought by the same guy. He owns us now, and gave us new nicknames. Adina is nadia, and I am eva. For some reason this pleases the eff out of me.

I wrote my last Christmas card, to Bryan, and am going to send them out tomorrow. Exciting stuff, folks. I am so happy with my Christmas cards this year. I think they are so pretty. Many of you will get to see them live, and that will be fun for us both.

I am so freaking tired, and I have to be up at 7:30. Am I crazy? Must be. Stupid insomnia.

Chris isn't home, and this makes me sad. We are becoming quite close, I think, and I miss talking to him.

I just looked at the time, and it made me sad. I am too tired to function.

My stepsister Natalie's Christmas present came in the mail today. It's the first of my many online purchases to arrive. Yay! I was not in the least bit disappointed. I can't wait for my mom's present to get here.

Christmas shopping is Done!

Christmas knitting, on the other hand, is woefully behind. I'm sure I'll get done in time. I just wish that I were done already. I am only knitting two gifts, so it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm just wanting to be finished.

I'm annoyed. My anxiety is increased. I think I need to just be okay with taking the anti-anxiety pills until this is no longer a problem. I need to be lower stress. I'm working on it. I love Christmas, but I would love it more if I weren't too stressed to enjoy it. Next year I am doing my Christmas shopping over the summer. True story.

I applied for a new job today, as a volunteer coordinator for Multicare Hospice. I probably won't get it, but it would be a nice change from what I am doing now, that's for sure.

We got a letter today from Bryan. He had a lot of sweet things to say. I miss him a lot, and he seems to miss us more than I thought he would. It was good to hear from him. When he comes home after graduation, I am going to take some time off so that I can really visit with him.

Okay, I need to remember. Less stress. Deep breathing. It's only Christmas. Enjoy it.

I woke up this morning, and it was snowing. It was so pretty, and I wanted it to stay snowy all day, but it didn't. I would love for it to snow over my stretch of days off. That would make me smile.

I saw this music video with my friend Brendon this morning. He thought it was creepy, but I think it's so very sweet. The song is gorgeous, as well.



I am almost completely done with my Christmas shopping. I need to find a birthday present for my dad, and a Christmas present for my stepmom, and then I am finished. I ordered tons of stuff off of etsy, and it's all shipping out tomorrow. I can't wait until I have it in my hands!

I'm a little late on starting my Christmas knitting. I think I got cocky, because my two projects usually don't take a lot of time, but I wish I'd started sooner.

I'm feeling a little unsettled about something. I think I need to learn to just go with the flow. I need to take things as they come and stop overthinking.

I talked with the BFF Adina on the phone for several hours tonight. That was amazing. I miss you, Adina!

'Tis the Season

I totally stole this idea from Kelly's blog. I thought it was pretty much the cutest idea ever. We decorated our tree last night, and to get in the Christmas spirit, I thought I'd show off some of my favorite Christmas ornaments. Every year since I was born my mom has taken us to pick out a new Christmas ornament. She puts a little sticker on them with the year they were purchased. Here are the ones that give me the fondest memories:



This little pink bear was purchased for Christmas 1990. I love my little pink bear, because my brother Bryan has one just like it, only it's blue. It was our last Christmas before Chris was born, so it was just the two of us with our matching ornaments.



Speaking of matching ornaments, here is another part of a Kate/Bryan ornament set. This was made for me in 1985, the year Bryan was born, and an equally ugly baby blue ornament was made for him. My mom called them "gaudy balls" when we were growing up because she thought they were so ugly, but in my three year old mind it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Especially with the purple fringe. It's still one of my favorites.



This little frog was bought in Victoria, B.C. for Christmas 2000. I love my little froggie Santa because I happen to be a collector of all things frog-like, with a pretty extensive collection no less.



These little shoesies were another Christmas '85 ornament. They were a gift from my mom's sister, and growing up I was always fascinated by them. Probably because my parents always hung them for me when I was little because they were so fragile. That not being allowed to touch them factor weighed in heavily with my fascination, I think.



This little ballerina was an ornament I picked out for Christmas of '87 from one of the Christmas trees at Macy's. I was so in love with her when I was 5, and thought she was the most beautiful thing ever!



This kitty was the "official" chosen '85 ornament. It's another one where my fascination largely comes from the fact that I wasn't allowed to touch her for fear of breaking her. Every year my dad would climb on the ladder and hang her up high so I couldn't break her, and I would direct him from down below until we found the perfect spot.

So there you go, some of my Christmas memories for you to share. Now I am off to wrap my Christmas presents and put them under the tree. Oh, and for those who expressed interest, here is a picture of the new hair. Forgive the lazy men's XL sweatshirt. School is done, and I am tired!

So I'm making the last post from my research class ever, because this is the last day, my presentation has been made, my project has been turned in, and after the open book quiz at the end of class I am officially finished! It feels good.

I got paid quite a bit of money through payperpost to my paypal account over the last couple of days, which is awesome. I was able to do quite a bit of Christmas shopping on Etsy without having to pay any money out of my bank account, because it just came out of my paypal account. Awesome. I bought a pair of earrings for my stepsister Natalie from my brother Bryan, who can't buy them himself because he's in boot camp. I also bought an amazing quilt for a friend who is pregnant. It makes me think of her, so it had to happen.

I am maybe supposed to hang out with Brendon, the guy I met through eharmony today. We shall see. I hope yes, because I am bored and Dana and Angela work today. Someone needs to play with me!

I am growing crazier by the day. In case you all were wondering. I need to get my crazy under control. It's hurting me in my chest and making me anxious.

I got my hair cut yesterday. It's really short. I mostly think I like it.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Yesterday was my Dana's birthday, and so I met her and her boyfriend at Bob's Java Jive in Tacoma for a little bit of karaoke. The karaoke wasn't as good as it usually is, because they were missing a lot of their discs, and then they accidentally threw away Dana's karaoke choices so she hardly got to sing at all. She was pretty noticeably upset, and the karaoke girl found Happy Birthday on the jukebox and played it for Dana. It was sweet, but the night was still kind of soured, so that was a bummer.

My grandma recorded Tin Man for me this weekend, so my brother and I are watching the first part. It's really interesting so far.

I should be sleeping, instead of watching TV at 2am on a night when I have class and my internship later that day.

This makes me smile.

I finally finished all of my assignments tonight. I'm done. All I have to do is go to class and turn them in. And give a powerpoint presentation on Friday with my group. But I'm essentially done.

My power keeps flickering. Silly windstorm.

Seriously?

I am trying to type up the results section of my research paper, and Word keeps crashing. If I lose all my work, I may shoot myself.

Monday, Monday, Monday

So tonight was the Tegan & Sarah concert, and my mom headed up to the Showbox in Seattle to catch the show. I played some T&S for my mom over the weekend, and she was quite hooked, so she was really excited to go to the show. We grabbed dinner in Tacoma beforehand, and then she was ready to head up to Seattle.

The opening band was Northern State, who I had never heard of but am now madly in love with. They are these three white girl rappers, and they sound a lot like the female version of the Beastie Boys. They are amazing, and I urge you all to check them out.

Tegan and Sarah were rad. They played a lot of stuff off their new album, and all my favorite older songs. They are so stinking cute in real life, like little pixies! I tried to get some good pictures, but didn't really succeed.


Tegan


Sarah

My mom also took this picture of me with Hesta Prynn from Northern State.



I am sorry for the short post, but I am so busy with school projects, and so overwhelmed with getting things done on time, and my group for my research class, and I really feel I have to go write my paper for my presentation Friday. I'll see you all after finals week is over!