a period of change

Well, this morning I had a meeting with HR, my managers, and my union rep, and was officially terminated from my job. My union rep and I disagree with the grounds for termination, and are filing a grievance, but as of right now I am no longer employed. My benefits are good until the end of the month (ie: tomorrow), so I am going to spend the day getting as many refills of my prescriptions as I can.

I've decided not to look for employment right away. If I can swing living at home, spending as little as possible, I'd really like to try to focus the next three months on school and my internship.

My manager was kind enough to ask me how I was feeling, as the HR girl was photocopying my termination paperwork. Um, how do you think I'm feeling?

I'm tired.

super productive.

All I really did today was watch Superbad. Seriously. I mean, I guess I did pick my mom up from work, and I also (barely) worked out at the Y for the first time since I got sick, but basically? I pretty much just hung out and watched Superbad. And slept.

I am the lamest person ever.

I wish I were done with school, and had a job, and weren't in a constant state of worry.

I have a very important meeting on Thursday. Maybe then I can fill you in on the more cryptic goings on in my life.

But until then? I'm going to do some more sleeping. And maybe watch a little bit of Superbad. ;) The End. ;)

The List

My friend Karen Beth posted this list on her blog. I'm not sure where it originated from, I think she mentions it in her post, but it's a list of things to do to be a more interesting person. I've posted the list, and I'm bolding the ones I've done, and italicizing the ones I want to do. Which ones are your favorites?

* be secretive
* get a hobby… even if it is collecting erasers I have a lot of stuff that I do, but nothing I really feel qualifies as a hobby. I want to work on this. Unless blogging counts. But even if it does, I want another hobby.
* wear an eyecatching hat I do this ALL THE TIME!
* throw your tv away I wish that I had the strength of mind and character to do this, but I love my Netflix!
* wear your hair really big
* say goodbye in different languages
* read
* dress mysteriously
* wear a cape
* learn magic tricks
* get a weird tattoo or piercing I'm not sure my tattoos or piercings are weird, per se, but they exist!
* say “good morning all” day long
* wear one color only. (bonus if it’s not black.)
* learn to tap dance
* be passionate about something I'm passionate about too much, some might say!
* wear funny pants… every day
* read books about the economy
* travel I want to travel. I'm just poor and a wuss.
* wear clown shoes
* become a good cook
* wear mismatched plaid pants and shirt
* sign in another language while at the Post Office I don't know what this means, but it sounds like fun!
* call everyone “Cap’n” I call people "Boss", so I'm gonna say it counts.
* carry bacon in your pocket
* be a good listener
* try new foods
* do random mime things on the street
* sell everything you own and move to another country…a faraway one
* carry around a frog
* sit down cross-legged in the elevator
* learn sign language
* teach your dog to talk
* pull your underwear up to your chest
* get a pet monkey
* carry a sock puppet with you wherever you go and speak entirely through it
* wear a fake mustache
* dye your hair pink I've done this twice!
* learn to play the banjo
* drive a car painted like a holstein cow
* wear your underwear on the outside of your clothes
* finish every sentence with the phrase “the end”
* sing everything you say I sing most things. I really do. Just ask Adina.
* carry a puppy, people will flock to you
* find a new and bizarre word every day to add to your vocabulary
* exaggerate
* mutter to yourself then laugh
* skip everywhere
* wear a top hat
* tell everyone you are working on a novel (and have it be true)
* wear a t-shirt with a picture of yourself I actually want a picture of a cartoon of myself on a tshirt.
* buy lots of art
* wear glittery pants

an interesting article

Hushed Worry About Obama's Safety

what goes around comes around

I've been unable to sit down and write for awhile. A lot of stuff has happened, and I'm not really at a place where I can write about it in a public forum. Not now. I just have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason, and the universe returns what you put out there. Karma is a very real thing, and people forget that.

I have been so sick for about a week now. I have the worst cough (I sound like I have emphysema) and I'm so sick my skin hurts. This morning I could feel pain in individual hair follicles. My abs hurt from all the coughing.

The Sia concert was amazing. She is probably the cutest human being on the face of the earth, and I kind of want to be her. I know that some people were pretty creeped out by the video I posted. Here's a better one:



When she came out on stage, which was so cute with oversized neon flowers and such, she looked like this:



After the concert I went to visit a friend in North Seattle, and that was fun.

I'm sick of being sick, and I'm more than a little depressed right now. I think when I'm able to get back to the gym I'll feel better.

I know it's been awhile, but....

MY BROTHER'S HOME FROM BOOT CAMP!





I've been really down lately. I'll update for real later. Love you all!

some people have real problems

So tonight Angela and I are heading up to the Showbox at the Market to catch Sia in concert, and I am very excited. I am taking a two hour nap, and then giving myself 45 minutes to prettify. Wahoo!

I talked to BRYAN today for a couple of minutes. Mom and Chris are down in San Diego for his graduation, and today is family day. It was so awesome to hear from him. I can't wait to pick them all up from the airport on Saturday.

I still haven't heard from work. Everytime I call my manager I go straight to voicemail. Argh.

I'm worried about a friend. Just thought I'd share.

when it rains, it pours

So I woke up this morning, earlier than I planned, feeling as if my chest was going to explode. Last night as I was putting away laundry I felt a little tightness in my chest, but wasn't too worried. This morning I honestly felt like I was going to have a heart attack. It was the second worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I tried to sleep it off, but it hurt so bad, and I was a little scared, so I got up and drove out to the Urgent Care, just in case.

Man, I didn't even have to wait! I mentioned chest pain, and they moved me right into a room, the nurse practitioner saw me within ten minutes, and then I had a stat chest x-ray done. It ended up being nothing serious. I have Costochondritis, which is basically inflammation of the cartilage that attaches the ribs to the sternum. It probably is the result of all the throwing up I did Sunday night. Usually they give you anti-inflammatory shots for it, but I can't take anti-inflammatories because I take Lithium and they can increase Lithium absorption. So basically I'm taking Percocet to manage the pain, which feels like my chest is caving in on itself, and was told to rest for a week.

I called work to see if this was going to count as an occurance, because if it was then I needed to go back to Urgent Care and have them clear me for work. I never heard from my manager, so I simply went to work, figuring it would be an occurance. If I get one more occurance, I will be fired, so missing work was not an option.

They. Sent. Me. Home. They sent me home! Which counts as an occurance. I called them two hours in advance to prevent this from happening! I could very realistically lose my job, a job I've had for three plus years, over this stupidness. And I didn't ask to be sent home! I wanted to stay and work! I am so frustrated/worried/whatever that I could puke.

I knew that chicken looked off.

So I spent the last 24 hours rolling in pain and agony over a bout with food poisoning. I hope the a-hole who made the chicken that gave it to me gets equally sick.

I had meant to spend the day cleaning my room and gathering sources for my research paper due Wednesday. That didn't happen. I'm mildly stressed.

This stupid elective may be the end of me.

What I've Done Today (Yesterday?)

Is a whole lot of nothing!

I went into the internship for a couple of hours because I had to meet with my task instructor and my practicum liason, but I left after the meeting. I still feel seriously under the weather. Just really... off.

My calf muscles are like, rolling under my skin. The knots are tying themselves in knots. I am so in love with Pilates right now. Even if it does mean death. I keep running downstairs to microwave my new flaxseed pillow (from a very special Valentine friend) and then putting it under my calves to make them stop dancing for awhile.

I've spent most of my day in bed watching Season 4 of The L Word. I love this show. I do not love Cybill Shepherd's character on this show, but other than that, not bad.

Happy Valentine's Day, My Loves

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

My favorite poem, by Pablo Neruda. I hope you all like it.

My day has been anticlimactic. I was sick this morning, and spent most of the day in bed. I experienced some family... annoyances, but c'est la vie. And I did eventually get to see someone who makes me feel cute. So all is well.

This is what keeps me going.

Life has been really hectic lately, and I haven't been around much. I feel like I've been everywhere, and haven't been anywhere at the same time. Finances are... tenuous. I'm paying the bills, but I'm overdrafting in order to do it, and I have a two week period coming at the end of the month where I won't be working at all, so that should be rough. School is tedious at best, and my job is not my favorite place to be. I do enjoy my internship, though. My room/bathroom, usually a sanctuary for me in my mom's house, which is in a constant state of remodel, is full to overflowing with stuff. I have actually run out of room for my clean clothes, meaning that cleaning my room is no longer an option. There's nowhere to put anything!

But there is a vision that keeps me going. I come to my internship, dressed casual/professional, and help people. It gives me joy to know that once I graduate, I will spend the rest of my life helping people. I can't wait. I hope to get a job in another non profit, if I can't work at this one. I like how I feel when I am here. I like the person I am.

There is an older apartment building that my mom and I found in the Stadium District, and it allows small dogs. It has hardwood floors, and it is so quirky and pretty, and I've fallen in love with it. This is dangerous, as it may not have an opening when I am ready to move in June, but I feel like I will live here, with my little Klondike, in the same area as Dana. My friends and I will go out to dinner downtown, and Angela and I will do movies at The Grand, and my life will be exciting because I am still young, and almost done with school.

So I have to just tough it out for a quarter, go to class, live on little food (although I'm so nauseous I never want to eat anyway), and just do it. Besides, who needs sleep?

Also, I'm removing the payperpost thing from the bottom of each post. It's ugly, and doesn't generate enough income to make it worth my while.

Today at work someone told me that my hair looked like a Japanese cartoon character. I love it. It was totally random.

I had lunch with my mom today. It was probably the first time I saw her in about a week. It felt totally weird.

I feel apart from my life right now, and yet so in the middle of it all. That probably makes no sense, but these medications are working their way through my system, and I'm coming out... well, hopefully a better person, but I don't know if that is the case. A more productive person, maybe. Maybe not.

I feel jumbled.

also....

Barack Obama won in Washington today. I am so pleased. I wasn't able to caucus today, because I was in N Seattle when it started, and consequently was nowhere near Kopachuck Middle School.

He hella won, too. I'm stoked.

crying my face off

The girl from Bridge to Terabithia is so freaking cute. I want to be that cute, only my age.

Apparently this movie is going to make me cry my face off. But I'm ready.

I'm still MIA. I'm just so tired on the rare occasions that I am home that I don't have energy to type. And there are things I don't feel like writing about just yet.

Senioritis. (Or, I Want I Want I Want).

I remember this feeling. The last time I felt it was at about the same time of year, 8 years ago. Winter of 2000 marked the beginning of an apathy unlike anything I had ever felt before in my life. Senior year was one third over, and I was set. I basically had good grades, great friends, I'd been accepted to WSU (although I ended up staying at home), and really? Who had time for important things in my present like school or homework, when I had this really great, exciting future wide open in front of me?

That's how I feel tonight, as I sit here in my History of Tacoma class. My attendance has improved significantly since senior year of highschool, as in college I am allowed to bring my laptop into class with me. However, I don't know that blogging and having an aim conversation with my oldest friend Jake is exactly what my professor has in mind. Jake has ditched me to watch a hockey game (jealous), and so here I am left with all of you.

I keep thinking about life post graduation. I'm ready to be done. I don't want to do the work. I just want it to happen. I want to be done at my internship. I want to have these electives under my belt. I want to have a job already. I'm ready to be done.

I don't want to have to plan my social life around work, school, and internship. I hate that Dana and I can barely hang out, Angela and I can basically only meet one night a week. I never see my dad, and I'd love a weekend to drive up to Bellingham to see Adina. So many people want me to take vacations in the months coming up. Andrea wants me to fly down to Vegas for three days, meeting her and her sister, Melanie. I'd really like to do that, as I've never been. I also want to go to an ashram or do some sort of yogic retreat. I think that in the last 8 years life has thrown a lot at me, and I've handled it mostly well, but once school is done I want to go somewhere and heal.

Jake and Emilie are planning a trip to Washington. Maybe. I want them to come stay with me. I feel like she and I will get along.

Today was a weird day. I went to work, typical for a Tuesday afternoon. Dana was upset, which I hate, and things were just weird. I felt weird. No me gusta.

I have to start studying for my History of Tacoma midterm next Wednesday, and I need to pick a topic for my research paper. I think I want to write about Stadium High School. I'm sure with the death of Heath Ledger, there will be a lot of younger girls in my class dying to write about it (10 Things I Hate About You was filmed there), but I really just love the building and it's location and history. I'm talking to my professor about it tomorrow night.

Tomorrow is the last day of one of the staff at the agency where I am interning. I think I'm going to stop by and say good bye. I'm very sad to see him go. I've learned a lot by watching him interact with the clients, and by watching how he's maintained composure during our funding crisis.

Tonight I felt restless so I stopped by Bert's to visit my good friend, Dave. I haven't seen him since Adina's visit in August, when she and I met him and his girlfriend Carol at Shari's. Carol is now Dave's fiancee, and I am so excited for him! It was nice to see him. It made me miss Adina, and the truck, playing Boys of Summer (the cover by the Ataris) while we sped across the bridge at all hours of the morning. We'd order our fizz & yums (italian sodas without the cream, just the "fizz" and the "yum"), sit on the leather couch, and talk with each other and Dave, when he wasn't helping customers. I miss being so carefree. I don't think it'll ever be that way again. I wish we were smart enough to hold onto those moments while they are happening. I'm trying to learn to do that more, that living in the moment.

I am going to try to finish Eat Pray Love tonight, as I don't really have to be up early tomorrow. My only concrete goal? To get to the Y, as I haven't been in several days. Not since Friday, I think.

words.

I have to start posting before I read all my blogs, as I seem to be drained when I am done. All of my words get lost in your own, and I don't know what to say anymore. It's silly.

I haven't been around in awhile. For me, this is a long time to go without posting, but I've been having some good days, and I wanted to just enjoy them, without having to worry about putting them into words for others.

I have been spending time with a new friend, who so far makes me smile more than some. Here's to that!

I'm also nervous about some things. Graduation really is coming up, one and a half quarters away, roughly, and I'm scared that I won't get everything done in time. Even though I will. I always do.

I feel like I'm being cryptic. I don't know why. I think I'll just go watch the last episode of Big Love on DVD, and then go to bed. I'll leave you with this quote from the book I'm reading:

"Be careful... not to get too obsessed with the repetition of religious ritual just for its own sake. Especially in this divided world, where the Taliban and the Christian Coalition continue to fight out their international trademark war over who owns the rights to the word God and who has the proper rituals to reach that God, it may be useful to remember that it is not the tying of the cat to the pole that hass ever brought anyone to transcendence, but only the constant desire of an individual seeker to experience the eternal compassion of the divine. Flexibility is just as essential to divinity as discipline."
Gilbert, Elizabeth, Eat Pray Love, pg. 206

movie night

This isn't going to be too long, because I am very tired, and I have to be at the internship early tomorrow morning. I look forward to an afternoon nap tomorrow!

Tonight Angela and I did our first movie night in weeks! We've been busy/sick/etc, so we've been putting it off, but tonight we went out to the Grand to see Atonement. First, though, we had dinner at Panera, and Kelly, that black bean soup is pretty much amazing. I'd never tried it before. I'm in love.



Okay, Atonement. I won't say much, because I don't want to give away the ending if you haven't seen it, but I loved the beginning. Loved it. The music was good, the story was good, it unfolded at a nice speed, I liked the cinematography. The ending disappointed me. Therefore, the middle was kind of meh as well. I'd still recomend it.

Before I go to sleep, I also want to tell everyone who hasn't already to pick up a copy of Eat Pray Love. Such a good book. It's soothing for the soul.