I'm breathing out my negative energy. Be careful it doesn't hit you.

This last week has been so stressful, it's hard to believe it isn't over yet! It's not that my job is very difficult, necessarily. It's just that my endurance is pathetically low. I'm not used to having to get up so early. I'm not used to having to get dressed up professionally every day. At home my standard footwear is flip flops. I have six pairs! But not anymore. Also, the commute home in rush hour traffic? WEARS ME OUT.

I'm not used to having to make lunch the night before. That's actually been a much bigger challenge than one would think. I'm always so tired. I have had the same meal two days in a row. It's a healthy meal, though, so at least there's that.

The latter half of the week has been much more challenging, as so much is going on around the house. Angela's nieces are in town and we are driving to California tomorrow evening when I get home. There's tons to do. I'm trying to take things as they come.

Next week will be better, I am sure, and as things around here get back to normal it will be easier. And I do love the way I feel at work, professional and capable. The Social Services Director told me today that I was fitting in well. That made me feel so good. I so far really enjoy the people I am working alongside, which is so very important. After my last job, I really needed to be in an environment like this one.

It's called being a grown up.

I am lying here in bed, getting ready to start a movie that I won't finish, because I'll be asleep by ten. I am too lazy to get up and make my lunch for work tomorrow, and too tired to cook dinner and too broke to buy either. However, tomorrow morning I will wake up at 7, put on my freshly pressed business attire with a pair of heels and drive to my job. My job where I am a professional. I am a social worker. I'm not a student anymore. I'm not in training anymore. I am.

I have done social services assessments, on my own, and depression scales. I've met with PT to discuss a client's family member.

I'm sitting here on my bed in the house that I live in with a good friend. Not my family. When my family does come over they are here as guests. And a minute ago this feeling struck me. A feeling I couldn't really explain, because I'd never felt it before.

And then I did. Explain it, I mean. I'm here. I made it. I'm an adult.

Who'd have thought?

just so you know, it bugs me when you do that.

Some people are insensitive, without even realizing it, and I hate that. Then I have to try not to have hurt feelings, because I know they don't even know they are hurting my feelings, let alone mean to, but I'm still inside kind of let down.

These people are usually of the male persuasion.

Or maybe I'm too sensitive. That's entirely possible.

I did my first assessment at work today. That was fun.

I don't have the energy to write anymore.

However, Weezer keeps burping in my ear, via telephone. Stop it, Weez. That's rude. :P

K, bye.

Darn.

I left the Supernatural DVDs at my mom's house. I hate that.

Oh well, it's almost nine. I should be getting ready for bed, anyway.

Today was the first real day at work. It was long. Interesting, though. Some woman made a comment about my cleavage that I did not like. I can't help that I have obscenely large breasts. I try to contain them. Whatever.

I wanted to tell someone about my day, but he did not answer his phone, nor did he call me. I'm frustrated at the apparent lack of interest.

My mom gave me $50 in cash. She gave me $20 of it in $1 bills. I feel like a stripper. I like it.

I'm kidding.

Well, not about the $20 in ones thing. But the part about liking feeling like a stripper? Not so much. I don't like to look at me naked. I sure don't want lots of other people looking at me naked!

Speaking of naked, I'm going to go take a shower and then read before bed. I'm taking a break from The Picture of Dorian Gray to read The Time Traveler's Wife (my favorite book) because Angela was talking about the movie they are going to be making, which makes me miserable, but also happy because it reminds me that the book exists and that I should read it. Again. For the billionth time.

Okay. Shower. Then reading and bed. After laying out my outfit for tomorrow. It's like being in school all over again!

"And if you eat beans, then you're powered by gas, too."

The above subject title is a quote from Joe, who was lecturing me on how my car was not in fact "powered by tofu", as the sticker on the window implies. And that not only is my car powered by gas, but apparently I probably am as well. Short people crack me up at times.



I love this. After Joe fell asleep I did some clean up around the house before crating the dogs and going to bed. I went into the living room to get Athena and saw her curled up on the couch, spooning the backs of Joe's knees. It cracked me up.



This morning we drove to Pt. Defiance with a picnic lunch to eat at Owen Beach. We made peanut butter sandwiches (I put agave on mine, yum!) and carrot sticks and water. The weather was gorgeous and the water was full of boaters and kayakers. I didn't realize that you could rent kayaks at Owen Beach, but now that I know I am very excited at the prospect of going kayaking sometime soon.



I took a bunch of dorky pictures of Joe eating his lunch, but swore I wouldn't post them. Instead, to humor him, I took this nerdy picture of myself and am posting it to make up for the picture of him I posted from the yard sale. He was so embarrassed about that picture, even though I think it's cute!



I did however take this nerdy picture of him drinking his water. From a plastic water bottle. But we won't go there.



We are idiots. And by we, I mean me. He puts up with me well. It's cause I'm his favorite.



Joe wanted me to take this picture specifically. He picked the location and the pose. I guess he wants you all to know how tough he is, since I do embarrassing things like post pictures of me kissing him, or him asleep with the dog. So man, isn't this kid super tough? Like a comic book hero or something.

He has gone home now, and I'm bored. It's okay though, because I have much to do to get ready for my first day on the job tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited. Also, I want to try to get some organization done in the attic, as Angela's nieces are flying in from Florida on Tuesday. And I have to do the attic before Angela leaves for work tonight, because the attic gives me the creeps.

I love having a Joe in my house!

Joe came over to my house this evening after my mom's garage sale (where he made a whopping $40 selling his old toys to the neighborhood kids!) and we are having a sleepover. We have had us a good time!

He helped me cart off some of the stuff that didn't sell to the donation drop off place, and I treated him with a Burger King dinner (gross, but cheap).

Upon getting back to the house he looked over my movies and grabbed Grind because it's about skateboarding, and Joe had never seen it. He thought it was pretty good.

Afterward, he asked me if I would walk him to Gamestop. My mom gave him a Gameboy Color recently, and he wanted to buy a game for it. I teased him about spending his money already, because he's supposedly saving up for a skateboard, and we agreed he could buy one game for around $3. We walked down there, and then Weezer called so I stepped outside to talk. When Joe came out he showed me the three games he bought. It turns out that they were on a buy two get one free sale, with an additional 25% off so he got three games for $4. How's that for a deal? He must take after me and my mom.

When we got home I made him take a shower because he was lying on the ground all day, and now that he's ready for bed we are watching The Wedding Singer. I had forgotten how funny this movie is.

It's silly. I'm such a neat freak. But when Joe was in the shower I was online, and I looked around. There are video games all over my coffee table, and the floor around it is strewn with two giant Star Wars ships, and several small action figures. I also have a skateboarding magazine that I'm currently using as a coaster. I looked around his contained mess and realized I didn't really mind. As long as he cleans it up when he leaves tomorrow! :P

Clothes for Work

So yesterday was my first day at my new job. It was mainly meeting people and filling out paperwork, but as I was going through my closet I realized that I really needed to find more clothing that was suitable for work. Jeans and loosy goosy hippie shirts aren't going to cut it here. My incredibly rad mom took me to Macy's and let me put some clothing items on her Macy's card, so I was able to get some new stuff. This post is inspired by Carrie, and her ability to find a good deal, because really? Shopping is so much more rewarding when you are saving obscene amounts of money!



My mom is so cute! She bought me a reusable Macy's bag! I love it.



These pants are by Style & Co, and are the only things I actually paid full price for. I got them for $29.98. But when they're that cheap? You can afford to pay full price.



I LOVE this blouse by Sunny Leigh, originally $78.00. I paid $19.99.



This knit top by Spring*Mercer was $88.00. I only paid $19.99.



Finally, my favorite item is this dress by Alfani, originally $109.00, and my most expensive item. However, it also yielded my greatest savings, as I only paid $29.99!

Overall, I ended up getting $304.98 worth of clothing for only $99.95, before tax. I saved $205.03! My mom is basically my hero, and the best bargain hunter I know. And also I want to make babies with that black dress. So there.

Don't go wasting your emotion. Lay all your love on me.

I watched Mamma Mia! with my family yesterday, and I'm pretty much in love. The only Abba song I had ever heard before was Dancing Queen, which I loved in a cheeseball way, but not enough to bother with listening to other Abba songs.

I am in love with Abba. Weezer has disowned me. Apparently, "Abba is suck." I don't care. I'm listening to the soundtrack as I type this. I think it will be good workout music. Now I need to unfold the treadmill. (Why is the treadmill folded anyway? How fat and lazy are we?)

So my lawn sucks. Like, a lot. It was very green and overgrown, but then we had that flash of hot weather, and it all burned. So now it's all squashed and burned and flat, and the lawnmower won't cut most of it. And when it comes to lawn/yard work, I am absolutely pathetic. I truly am the housewife in this roommate relationship. Dishes? Ok! Laundry? I'll do it. Vacuuming? LOVE IT! Decluttering? I'm your chick. Mowing the lawn? le sigh. No thank you.

I'm waiting for my "ball and chain" (Angela) to wake up so I can open today's housecleaning for negotiation. I hate mowing the lawn.

My love of my life, Adina, came to visit me this Monday! We went to the beach, where I went swimming in my sundress. That was fun, but then I had to lay out to dry, and got supremely sunburned on my back. I may have fallen asleep. Now it itches. But anyway, here's Adina y yo:



By the by, tomorrow? My first day of work! So if you have a minute think of me tomorrow being nervous out of my face. I am so excited to finally be making money again. I have no idea what I'm going to wear. I'm excited to have a job where I wear real clothes, but good Christmas. Scrubs were so convenient.

Okay, I'm almost done rambling. I just wanted to say an early Happy Birthday! to Miss Karen Beth, who has a birthday on Saturday. I hope it's a wonderful one!

we roll mad deep, yo.

So tonight Angela and I walked 4.29 miles. Of which I am proud, as I am full on calorie counting in attempt to lose massive pounds. Weezer sent me a link to a website that full on woke up my inner OCD, and I'm on a mission.

After walking we went to the store. While we were there we picked up a pint of Seattle Sorbets in Tequila Lime flavor. We came home, put it in the fridge and forgot about it.

So now it's after 3am, and we're sitting here watching old episodes of Supernatural, and Angela got the brilliant idea to not only break out the sorbet, but to improve upon it by adding a bit of extra tequila, left over from when we made tequila lime cupcakes for my cousin's birthday. And we are both not very frequent drinkers, so our bottle of tequila is airplane sized, and we use it for baking. But we had about a quarter of a bottle left, and we added an eighth of that, and it tasted like a margarita. So yum.

Ha, we are so ghetto.

i was walking with a ghost.

Yesterday was weird. A very prominent ex from my highschool and early college days stopped by the house to pick up a sweatshirt that was his when we were Seniors. I stole it from him for the duration of our relationship, and didn't want to give it back after we broke up. Eventually I stopped wearing it, and it made it's way to the dreaded "ex-boyfriend box" I mentioned earlier. When I went through the box deciding what to keep and throw away (I got rid of a lot!) I found the shirt, along with a ton of clothes I ended up donating. I didn't feel comfortable donating the shirt of his, so I sent him a message via facebook (what else?), and he stopped by to get it yesterday afternoon.

It was interesting to see him. It was cool to see how he's doing, and hear what he's been up to. I enjoyed updating him on my family. The voyeur in me was intrigued. And when he left, half an hour later? A part of me was nostalgic, but in all seriousness I was left feeling as if he and I both were exactly where we needed to be. Apart, as abrupt and callous as it may sound. I feel like our romantic trainwreck had to happen in order for me to end up where I am right now in life, and who I am right now in life. I was an awful person when we were dating! I feel like I've had many opportunities for personal growth over the last 5 (?) years, and he gave me that first opportunity by leaving.

Plus? I have a big fat crush on Weezer.

Pierce County AIDS Walk 2008

Please visit my Personal Fundraising Page to help me reach my goal by making a secure online donation now by using this link: http://my.campagne-online.com/personalPage.aspx?SID=104879

While visiting my Personal Fundraising Page don't forget to leave me a message via my online Guest Book as I would love to hear from you!

When you make an online donation, you will automatically receive an e-tax receipt from Pierce County AIDS Foundation and I will be notified by e-mail of your support. Together we are truly making a difference in the fight against AIDS!

If you can't give, but know someone who can, please pass this on to them! You would be surprised to know how many people will give, if asked.

Thank you very much for your consideration in helping me reach my fundraising goal for this very worthwhile endeavor! Should you need to reach me by e-mail, please contact me at mailto:airconditionedgypsy@live.com.

Sincerely,

Katya

PS. The Pierce County AIDS Walk benefits the Pierce County AIDS Foundation (PCAF) and its efforts to prevent HIV infection and assist persons affected by HIV/AIDS in Pierce County. More information about PCAF and its programs and services can be found by going to http://www.piercecountyAIDS.org or by calling (253) 383-2565.

meep meep.

My foot hurts. I absolutely think that this has nothing to do with my decision to wear flip flops all the time, thankyouverymuch, Weezer. But all of the toes on my right foot are in a strange amount of pain.

I want to see The Dark Knight right now. I have to wait until Tuesday, because Angela works until then. Bah humbug.

I was offered... A JOB today! I have my general orientation next Friday. I will be the Social Services Assistant. And among the range of money that Social Services Assistants make, I'm not making the most, obviously, because I am a new grad, but I'm not making the least either. They counted my 5 years of experience in a healthcare setting and my pay is exactly in the middle. So yay. I won't be as broke anymore. My goal is to list out all the people I owe money too, and start paying some bills. This also means that I can set aside my check from my on call job to pay for my ticket to fly back to Nashville with Weezer this fall. If he still wants me to visit.

My feet hurt like a son of a gun. I'm off to find some tylenol.

What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage?

Bah freaking humbug! I'm losing my mind.

I went on another job interview yesterday, at a SNF that is owned by the company my dad works for. I liked the building. I loved the administrator. I think it would be an awesome place to learn. I don't want to be too optimistic.

I came home and took a nap because I am still (WTF?) sick. When I woke up, I had a voicemail from the administrator who I interviewed with. She wants me to come out tomorrow to fill out an application, because they need that as well as the resume I brought with me, and to do a drug test.

Then my dad called, because he had to meet with her after my interview, and she told him how much she liked me.

All of this is promising. I don't want to get my hopes up.

Sometimes I think I'll never have a job ever again.

I went to my mom's house tonight to watch Supernatural with Chris. I'm home now, but I had fun. I really love that show. Like a lot.

Now I'm back home listening to Angela make chickpea cutlets and scrambled tofu for her dinner this weekend. It smells really good.

Richard has a new nickname. I'm going to call him Weezer from now until I die. Even if he decides he hates me, and never wants to talk to me again, I'll be 80 years old in the nursing home, talking about that guy Weezer who showed me around Nashville. (I like it cause it makes me think of Ouiser from Steel Magnolias, except he's not an angry old woman played by Shirley McClaine.) So yeah. That's about it.

End scene.

He's a Burrito Bandito!

Really, only Adina will get that reference.

Joe has spent much of this evening, as the rest of us watched Step Up 2 The Streets, rolling himself into a burrito on our living room floor, and then flopping around like an idiot.

This is why I love this kid.

childlike, wildlike

I'm full of thoughts. I'm full of words. I'm not quite sure how to express those thoughts or words in a way that will be understood by other people, however. My mind is a strange world sometimes.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for. I applied at McDonald's. I'm not even a little bit kidding. I worked with them for four years. It's a job until I find a real one. And since I'm planning on relocating somewhere, be it the Bay Area, Alaska, or Nashville, relatively soon, maybe this is just what I need to do. Or not. I feel so young. I feel like such a kid. I don't know what I'm doing. I guess nobody ever really does, though.

I picked up my new ugly dresser yesterday. It's huge, and exactly what I wanted, but too big for us to get up in the attic. At least, not without some serious preparation. I don't know. I'll take some measurements tomorrow and see if we can't get it up there, but the attic will be have to be cleared out first.

i only hope that i won't disappoint you

I found so much fun stuff while cleaning out my mom's storage shed this weekend. I found my Sarah McLachlan CD (Surfacing) while I was going through a box of old CDs. This CD was the theme to high school for me. I remember Sophomore year I had this purple gel pen, and I wrote all these song lyrics from that album on the front of my notebook for Personal Essay. I listen to different songs off of that disc, and I'm reminded of different high school crushes. It also reminds me of a time when my family was together, so for that I'm thankful as well.

I also came across a not-so-little thing I like to call "the ex boyfriend box". It's actually a ginormous rubbermaid container, and my goal is to purge myself of the majority of it's contents. I tend to hold on to memories, though, so we'll see how effective that is.

I'm so excited, as I got the first of some pictures that a friend took of me recently. I hate my stupid dorky ponytail, but other than that I think it turned out rad:


Photo by Richard Call

I can't wait to see the rest!

This is how we go

My dad and Rhonda got home from Europe last night, and Chris and I met them for coffee this morning. They brought me back plenty of postcards to add to my collection, as well as a cute little purse. Chris's gift, however, basically rocked his world.



Ha, he took that picture himself right away, and then sent it in a picture message to everyone in his phone book. I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little jealous. I want Dolce sunglasses.

I also want to go to Europe. But I'd settle for a job.

I'm still at my mom's. We're going to see "Singing in the Rain" at the movie theater tomorrow with my grandma. It's a nice vacation, but I am seriously looking forward to going home afterward. I miss my house! I miss my bed! I want to mow the lawn so that we can set up the new sprinkler we bought. It is good to be around Bella and Phoebe though. And Jude, one of the puppies, lives with my grandma now, so I got to play with him quite a bit as well. He went swimming in the pool today with Joe and I. It was super cute.

I'm watching Supernatural Season One with Joe. I love this show. Dean is hot. Or Jensen Ackles. But I don't think he'd be as cute in real life. Dean on the other hand, always cute.

lazy days....

I'm tinkering with blogger themes, trying to find one that fits me. Nothing does. Nothing is perfect. Oh well, I'll just keep messing around till I find the right one.

Oh brother, I came to my mom's house for the night because Angela works, and I'm supposed to be here tomorrow anyway, so I may as well spend time here with people than home alone. Of course, now people are yelling and fighting and home alone is sounding pretty freaking appealing! The joys of family. I hate yelling. I don't believe in it. When I get married and have children I want no yelling allowed. All my friends who are mamas, how unrealistic is this goal?

It is so cute when I bring Klondike to my mama's with me. He totally knows what getting in the car means now, and he gets increasingly excited as we get closer to the Harbor. When I park in my mom's yard and let him out he runs straight for my mom's front door. He doesn't stop to pee on any bushes, as per usual, just straight for the door that leads to Phoebe and Bella. Then in the garage, on the way out to the backyard, he runs straight to the door and sits there looking at me till I let him outside with the girl doggies. He gets along with Jake and Athena, he likes Jake and Athena, but he LOVES his Bella and Phoebe, and MISSES them!

I picked up four shifts for the month of August at my job in Seattle. I hate that I never get to work. I miss working. I crave the structure that having a job gives me (not to mention the paycheck!) Angela and I get along very well, surprisingly well, but I can't help but feel like a complete and total burden because of my lack of income.

So I found a free dresser on Craig's List. I pick it up on Tuesday. I have no idea what it looks like. Angela asked me if I saw a picture, and I told her no. The lady asked if I had any questions about it, but I told her as long as it's not falling apart and will hold my clothes, I don't care how ugly it may or may not be. It's just going in the attic! I think it's pretty big, which is excellent. The bigger the better

Weekends are lame.

I've never really been a huge fan of the weekend. Not since highschool anyway. I've always had jobs that required me to work on the weekends, so I've not really participated in that whole "it's the weekend, let's party" ritual. My roommate works weekends. Dana works weekends. Adina lives in Bellingham, but when she didn't, she also worked weekends. And there are so many more people out on the weekends. It's crowded, it's hard to find parking, and I'm a whiny little brat.

So I've been sick with the sorest of throats for days now. Since Monday, I think. I spent all day sleeping today, which I hate to do. I woke up at 5:30pm, just as Angela was heading out to work. Yuck. So far, at 7:04pm, all I've done today is make some pasta, eat some cherries and watch Invisible. Luckily the Netflix came before Angela was leaving, or I'd be bored out of my mind!

Tomorrow I am walking over to Dana's house and spending a couple of hours with Miss Abby, Dana and Drew's Australian Shepherd puppy. I absolutely adore this puppy. She's such a little goof. I watch her while Dana is at work. I was stoked to get the last minute call from Dana, because I've been out of gas since Tuesday. This way I'll have enough money to drive to my mom's on Sunday. We have some cleaning to do, as I still have tons of boxes in her garage. And probably some in her storage shed, as well.

I picked up three whole shifts for the month of August at my on-call job. Not nearly enough to survive on. Haven't heard back from the place that I interviewed yet. It's enough to make me want to go apply at McDonald's. Argh.

somebody's bakin' up a batch of frownies!

Holy crap. I wish yesterday had been Tuesday, just so I could do one of those Tackle It Tuesday posts everyone always does! We got so much stuff done around the house, it was ridiculous! I wish I had done before and after pictures so that I could show you all. I started in the kitchen, at one end of the house, Angela started in the bathroom at the other end, and we just sort of met in the middle. We moved furniture. I reorganized the storage shelving in our kitchen and cleaned out our refrigerator. Angela tackled the abundance of female bath products in the bathroom. We have been told that our bathroom smells like a Sephora, which is fun, but two girls sharing one bathroom? Not always easy, spatially.

We ended up going to Target and picking out one of those shelving units that fits around your toilet. It's actually kind of pretty, with two glass shelves. Just having one additional shelf each has done wonders in terms of creating space where there was none.

Tomorrow the plan is to tackle the front yard, and the backyard if we have time. Angela wants to tackle the utility room downstairs, and I am going to rearrange our attic bedroom. We use it for storage, and everything is thrown in there haphazardly at the moment. I eventually want to find a dresser to put up there for all the clothes I have that don't hang. They were being kept in a messy pile on the floor of my closet, but that was not very practical, so tonight I went through them all, and moved them upstairs. They are currently folded in piles until I can find a cheap or free dresser on Craig's List. While I was doing that tonight I set aside so many clothes to take in to the agency where I work part time in Seattle. I work with homeless women, and I know they will be excited when I put all these clothes in the free bin.

Angela and I have instituted some new house rules in order to try to maintain the cleanliness we've got going on. I think better when I am in a clean and well ordered environment, but we both got a little lazy while I was in Nashville.

So I'm sure anyone who reads on a semi regular basis noticed that I did some paid posts yesterday. I was stunned when I logged on to PPP and had some opportunities available to me. It's not much money, but with my job search going the way it is, any little bit helps.

Happy Birthday, My Love!

Today is my best friend Adina's birthday! I was so sad that due to gas prices, as well as my lack of a job, I was unable to drive up to Bellingham to celebrate. I mailed a present, but that's still very meh....

The picture above was taken at her birthday party last year, for which I drove up to Bellingham to party. We went to dinner at Boundary Bay (where I had the yummy Bellingham Blonde), and I also dyed my hair purple. Excellent. The tiara and wand were her birthday present, because I love her so, and every birthday girl needs a tiara.

I love you, Dini. You are my favorite person, probably ever. I wish that I could be there with you so much today, but have fun for me, and I'll try to come up as soon as I can. Kisses!

hold your own, know your name and go your own way

Right now it is 11:57pm, Pacific Standard time, and Angela and I are sitting on our couch, with Jake and Athena between us, and Klondike on the back of the couch taking a nap.

In another country, across the world, it is 8:57am and my dad and step mom are probably getting ready for their day. I'm jealous. I wish I were in Cinque Terra, Italy, instead of boring old Tacoma, Washington.

I'm really bored with life right now. It's because I don't have a fulltime job yet, and I can't really afford my oncall job. It's growing frustrating. I haven't heard on that interview from last Thursday yet, but it's still early enough to not be worried, I think. In the meantime I'm trying to spend a lot of time doing free things in my area, like walking or maintaining my home. Tomorrow is mine and Angela's big summer clean, where we are going to scrub our house from top to bottom. We want to do some yard work, as well as getting the house spotless. Since I got back from Tennessee we've both gotten a little lazy. It will be much easier to be home by myself if I'm in a clean and ordered environment.

I had a doctor appointment with Community Healthcare on Monday, which went mostly well. I forgot to skip my morning dose of Lithium, so I was unable to get my levels checked. However, the doctor did put me on an additional medication, Propranolol, which is a beta-blocker used to combat high blood pressure. In my case, however, we are using it to fight the migraines and Parkinsonism that Lithium gives me. I've been on it for one day and I already notice a huge difference. This makes me so happy.

I want to go to sleep but my room is messy. Bah.

This is what I want to do today:

I want to go to Melissa's house and play with Chandler in the ginormous pile of dirt. I want to play with our crafting supplies, and have a healthy vegetarian lunch with Ms. M.

Then I want to zip on over to Karianne's house, where I can play with little Miss Ivy, the prettiest dancer I've seen in ages, and Mr. Bec, whose smile always gives me reason to smile as well. We can talk about our shared experiences, of which I know we have many.

I really want to go to Carrie's house to hold the new baby! I want to buy some popsicles, and give one to Warrior, Forrest, Carrie and myself each, and grab Princess Grace and go for a walk!

Since you all live so far away (well, mostly Carrie, but still) I know this isn't going to happen. Plus, I'm sick, so you don't want me around your little ones anyways. But it's a nice idea, no?

Also, Carrie, the dress in the Fourth of July picture? I made it. Yeah I did. Lol, I'm so proud of that fact, I tell it to everyone who will listen.

Love you all.

mixed

This has been a rollercoaster of a summer, and it's barely July. This last weekend was the first anniversary of my life with active bipolar disorder. Apparently my brain has decided to commemorate it with yet another mixed episode (both mania and depression simultaneously), which has made this particular weekend a little intense. A lot of memories have been hitting me left and right, and as a result I've been obsessively reaching out to people whom I know will make me feel better. So Richard, Adina and Dana, I am so sorry I keep calling/texting like a crazy woman.

When I feel like this I get scared to be alone. My brother Chris came over tonight to keep me company and sane. I walked today for like, ever trying to get rid of all the nervous tension that has been building up all week for no reason.

I look forward to having my appointment tomorrow at Community Health to discuss all of this stuff going on in my brain. I'm sure there were a couple of triggers, such as the anniversary and my aversion to the Fourth in general, as well as an additional medication I took earlier this week that tends to fuck with my hormones.

Meh. I'm tired. But the kitchen is clean, and I feel a little less desperate. Just sorry for all my friends and family who have to put up with my crazy.

in our house, we like happy butts.

No sad butts allowed. Having said that, hello! How self-piteous was I yesterday? It got bad. Really bad.

I am so thankful that I had to be up early for work today, because it required me to simply get over myself and move forward. I hate driving so far to get to work, and I hate that I have to pay for parking, but I do love the work that I do there. And I didn't take a nap in my car on my lunch break this time, so that was good.

Last night my mom gave me her old Coach bag. It's practically brand new, even though she got it last summer. It's the patchwork bag from the Hampton Collection from last year. I am too lazy to take a picture, but I found one on the internet:



Gorgeous? I think so. In return for her amazing gift, I owe her one lunch, one dinner, and one movie, but not on the same day. She is so silly.

Also, Carrie asked that I post a picture of the awesome new shower curtain. Again, too lazy to go take one, plus Angela is getting ready for work, but I found it online:

why is this so hard?

I hate this day. I will probably always hate this day.

I feel empty.

Bryan dealt with it by getting drunk.

My mom worked a 12 at the hospital.

Chris disappeared with friends.

I took a Klonopin and a nap in my mom's bed.

My heart is heavy and I feel like crying, and making someone else cry because they are as sad as I am.

Not my favorite of days....

Oh, the Fourth of July. It used to be such a big deal in highschool, when my family were still recent transplants to Washington State. In California, where I grew up, it was illegal to set off your own fireworks. You were relegated to going to busy fireworks shows at city parks, where the smoke would get so thick you couldn't see anything anyway.

But here. Here we could light fireworks right off our own little seawall on the first Fox Island house. And this was exciting. So exciting, in fact, that our first summer up here several different groups of family members made the trip north to take part in our holiday. And each consecutive year it only got bigger. The next year brought more family, as well as my childhood best friend, Stacy. Everyone brought food and desserts, and the event was epic.

(I interrupt my train of thought to say that my mom's asshole neighbor keeps whistling like, well, an asshole for his dog, who ran away at the sound of firecrackers. That's why you keep the dog inside stupid face. I really avidly dislike this man, and his whole family actually, but that's another story.)

The first of the sad Fourths for me was in 2002. Donovan and I had broken up a little less than a month before, and it was the first time he wasn't there in two years. Things felt strained. Not as many people showed up. It was a stressful time.

And then the following year my parents weren't speaking. They had everyone down south cancel their plans, and we tried to have a festive holiday with local friends and family, but it was strained. And then a week later they told us they were getting divorced, after 23 years of marriage.

So forgive me if I'm not supremely into the idea of big Fourth of July plans, with huge festive parties. I'd rather just sit at home with my family (what's left of it), maybe go out to dinner, and keep it as low key as possible. Because it just isn't fun anymore.

However, proof that while what I really wanted to do today was stay in bed and ignore the world, I am in fact at my mom's house, making an effort to make an effort:



Love you all. Be safe. Have fun. Enjoy your families and friends.

When I Say I'm In Love You Best Believe I'm In Love, L-U-V!

Oh, today was almost a very productive day around the house. I woke up early, and decided to get a jump on the day by doing the dishes. I got about two thirds done when I ran out of hot water, and in the time it took for the water to heat up, Angela decided to make Calzones! So, no clean kitchen, no clean house. Maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Today (excitement!) Angela and I went to the Toyota dealership so she could order her Prius! He said it should be here in ten weeks or less. She's getting a red one, with dark gray cloth interior (as we are a multiple dog pseudo-family). She's getting the fancy one with six disc CD, bluetooth in the steering wheel which seems so silly to me but very useful, backup camera thingy, and power everything. I want it to get in RIGHT AWAY, but there are three people on the list before her. We want it in time for our San Francisco road trip in August. Otherwise, we drive my hippie car.

Today we also went to Target to buy a sprinkler, and new shower curtain that has, oh I don't know, A MAP OF THE WORLD ON IT! It even has all of the capitals on it! Um, can we all say amazing? Score.

Now we are on the couch with the dogs and some strawberries, watching Step Up. Channing Tatum. Yummy. Angela's in love with him. The girl's got taste....

Paul Newman Pwns Your Mom.

I'm sitting here enjoying a cold glass of Newman's Own Low Sugar Lemonade and Newman's Own Salt & Pepper Rounds Pretzels (and no, this is not a paid post), when I noticed some very interesting information on the packaging.

Did you know that "Paul Newman has given over $200 million to thousands of charities worldwide since 1982" (um, I'm not quite sure how to cite a bag of pretzels. Where are you now APA formatting?)? That's my entire lifetime.

That's pretty rad. You go, Paul Newman.

I have yet another job interview on Thursday. My dad says he has a good feeling. I hope his feelings are reliable.

Yo' mama.

That's all, bye.