speaking of birthdays....

What could I possibly want? Oh, I'm sure I'll think of something! ;)



Klondike doesn't have a very good dog bowl situation at present. He lost one bowl in the move, and the other one cracked. These are super cute, much cuter than the ones he has anyway!



Love this purse. Need another purse like I need a hole in my head, really, but it's super cute and huge enough to hold all my crap. And I think it would be good for work. Unlike my totally rad hot pink Mexican purse.



Much prettier than the one I have now!



Okay. I'm not this spoiled. I don't actually expect anyone to spend this much money on me. But isn't it so pretty?

the.divine.in.me.bows.to.the.divine.in.you

I wish that I were good at internet-y, web design-y stuff. I'm not. But I have an idea of how I would like this page to look, and no way to make it happen. I mean, this layout is good, it resembles my personality I think, but it's not the one in my head. Oh well. Not much I can do about it, I guess, since I have no interest in learning web design stuff.

I'm going to resume learning Russian instead. Yay. Time to practice my Cyrillic alphabet. The roommate is going to learn Spanish. We will be a multi-lingual household.

I am excited. Tomorrow it will be September. A month after that my dear Mr. Weezer is going to come visit me, and he will be overwhelmed with how cute he thinks I am. It's true, Weez, don't even try to deny it. I know I'm in your top 5.

I will be much more relaxed once Miss Angela cashes my rent check, and then in two weeks I will buy my plane ticket, and Weezer will purchase the other two, and our Seattle/Portland/Nashville extravaganza will be wonderful.

My house smells so good right now. I'm not sure why. But who am I to question it?

Tomorrow I don't have to work. I think I will do laundry and clean my room instead. And read some more Twilight. I'm addicted. It's ridiculous. I don't want to finish book three, because I want to wait until next pay period to buy book 4. I'm trying to exercise some measure of self control here. It's hard.

My birthday is almost here. Lol, if almost = a little over a month. Yay birthdays! Birthdays are rad.

I want to organize my house. I think Angela and I should hang things on our walls.

K. I guess I'm done writing this novel that I am writing. And also I have to pee.

we got fun.

To celebrate the end of summer, I had my little boys come over for a Summer's Over Sleepover. I picked Joe and Tyler up from my grandmother's house in Gig Harbor after I got off of work yesterday. We stopped off at McDonald's on the way home for dinner, which they enjoyed. At the house they watched lots of movies, and we played Indiana Jones Game of Life.

This morning we went out to Pt. Defiance to go to the zoo. They were pretty excited! I had a lot of fun just watching them run around and explore.







The last picture was especially cool. During the wildlife show Joe got called onstage to volunteer. They dressed him up as a hawk, and then had a real hawk land on his head. No joke. It was pretty cute. I have it on video, but I haven't put it on the computer yet.

We dropped Tyler off at his dad's, and came home for a dinner of pizza. My Netflix came today, so we are watching Something Wicked This Way Comes, a kids movie that Mike recommended for Joe when we were still dating, or whatever that was. I'd forgotten it was even on my list! Good timing that it showed up today, while Joe was here.

I'm very tired. When my mom picks Joe up this evening after work, I think I am off to bed. I have to be at work for several hours in the morning tomorrow. I hope you all are having a fun holiday weekend as well!

this is your life. are you who you wanna be?

I now have Netflix and a Costco membership. My consumer-driven life is complete. I eagerly await the arrival of my first Netflix movies (The Constant Gardner, Black Snake Moan, and Something Wicked This Way Comes) tomorrow, and have been watching movies NOW on my computer. It's pathetic. And tomorrow? Costco card. Yay....

Having a job makes living easier.

Having a job also makes me tired, and not interested in people who pick fights or look for conflict.

I have Joe and his friend Tyler here spending the night. It's work! Tomorrow we are going to the zoo, maybe. We shall see.

I'm lonely, and I want someone to pay attention to me. Even though I know that someone already pays me more attention than I deserve.

I paid my first month of rent.

This evening I was able to write Angela my first rent check. Money is still pretty tight, but I'm working on digging myself out of the financial mess that not having a job for almost 6 months will do to a person! I found myself in overdraft this pay period because I got out of the habit of balancing a check book, but my goal is to be smarter about the way I use it, should overdraft be something that I need to resort to.

So I finally got sucked into joining the Twilight bandwagon, and I don't care how lame it is. I'm really excited for the movie. Call me a loser; I don't mind.

I think I need to go to bed. I've been sleeping in lately, a habit I need to break.

K that's all. Adios, chickies.

new shoes for work!

Sometimes I'm not really sure who I am anymore. Or which me is the right me. Sometimes I get confused with which parts of my personality are genuine, which parts are a front to protect me from being hurt by others and keep me from showing my vulnerability, and which parts are just fucked up bipolar.

I often find myself feeling empty lately, and I find myself looking back at other times in my life, pre-bipolar, when I was a different me, and wondering if I felt this empty back then. And I say I am happier with who I am now, and I really think that I am, because I'm being true to myself, but sometimes true to myself is kind of a bitch.

But then, I was a bitch then, too. Just ask Donovan, poor boy. Or my parents. So who really knows? I sure don't. It's all too complicated to think about.

my own worst enemy.

i'm going crazy.

i think i'm gonna hide out for awhile, before i have no friends left.

being sick makes me moody. or something.

something like sad. and lonely.

or, you know. something.

Also...

My mom bought me new shoes for work. I get to keep one pair. Which ones do we like the best?

Do you know what I don't like?

Pneumonia.

So last Friday afternoon (evening?) I'm hanging out around the house, and I start coughing quite a bit. And then I cough up blood. I send Weezer a text message saying something to the effect of coughing up blood is probably not an indicator of good health, and he agrees. And then I ignore it.

And then I eat something.

And then I throw up blood.

So I go to the Dr, where they do chest xrays and blood work, and tell me I have "walking" pneumonia. That sucked.

And then the next day I went camping, which probably wasn't smart, but I'm still alive, and no worse for the wear. Well, except for the millions of mosquito bites I have. Apparently they love my vegan deodorant and organic soap! No bueno.

All I want to do is sleep....

well, it's better.

A not so beautiful mess....

I don't feel well. Who takes pity on me and wants to help?

But it's too early to be awake!

So I'm sitting here on the couch, barely able to move. I should be up running around, trying to get ready in a hurry so I'm not late to work. I'm not a fan of Wednesdays, where I have to show up an hour and a half early. No bueno.

I went to Dana's last night. We drank our way through two bottles of wine and made vegan pumpkin oatmeal cookies. I probably should have stayed home and gone to bed, but Dana needed someone, and I hadn't seen her in ages.

Weezer's arrival ticket was purchased last night. He's really coming.

Does someone want to come help me get dressed?

100 pushups? Seriously?

Well, I was inspired by Weezer, and I want to be able to do a hundred pushups in six weeks. I did my initial test, and with Angela counting for me and watching my form I was able to do 8.5 pushups. So tonight I did the first day, which required 5 different sets of pushups. My arms hurt! :P

I was approved for time off this October for Weezer's visit, and my subsequent trip to Tennessee. I can't wait. Weez is apparently flying in Wednesday night, so I will pick him up after work, as he will be leaving Nashville after he gets off work. Thursday is my birthday, and I wasn't expecting to have the whole day off, but I do, so I am going to want to spend that afternoon with my mom, as that night Angela bought tickets for her, Weezer and I to go see Gogol Bordello at the Showbox in Seattle. The only bummer is that it's at the Showbox SoDo, not the Showbox at the Market, which is a much cooler venue.

On Friday we are driving out to Kalaloch Lodge for the night. Then, since Forks is so close to Port Angeles, we'll stop to see my dad and Rhonda before driving home Saturday night. Sunday morning we're hopping on a train to Portland, where we'll be visiting Weezer's friend. Then we fly back to Nashville from Portland, but I can't remember what day.

Can anyone tell that I am excited? Lol, I'm kind of a loser.

In case anyone was wondering, I should be in bed right now. But instead I'm watching Supernatural with Angela and eating Apple Jacks. Well, half heartedly eating Apple Jacks. I've actually probably had about 5 whole Apple Jacks. But you know, whatever. This episode will be over soon, and then I'm brushing my teeth and going to bed.

Peace out, yo.

Sometimes I get tired.

Sometimes I get tired of opening myself up, only to have other people lock themselves up tighter.

Sometimes I get tired of always being the one to apologize.

Sometimes I get tired of always being the one who admits she's wrong because it's easier to keep the peace.

Sometimes I get tired of second guessing myself. I'm not as brave as I say I am. But you probably knew that. I'm not as convincing as I think I am, either.

I hate being an open book when other people hold their cards close to their chest.

I hate being taken for granted, when everything I have to offer is there, for the world to see.

Sometimes I get tired of feeling things so deeply. I wish I could close myself off like other people I know. It's probably a lot safer that way.

Sometimes I get tired of every emotional outburst I have being responded to with, "how are your levels?" or "have you been taking your meds?"

Can't I just feel something, without it being wrong?

Sometimes I just get so tired, and I wish I could walk away from everything and maybe even everyone.

I want someone to hold me for a change, and tell me it's all going to work out just fine.

God is taking pity on me.

I was online last night, or early this morning, whichever you choose, when the dogs started growling like madness. I always get very nervous when I am home alone and Jake and Athena start growling. Someone got into the house once, before I lived here. I was pet sitting, last summer, and Jake and Athena started growling and barking and scared whoever it was away. However, whoever it was left the back door wide open on their way out. So when Jake and Athena growl, I pay attention.

This time? Not so much a prowler. More like a summer thunder storm. The whole sky was lit up. I paused my movie and stepped outside into the front yard. The whole sky lit up this gorgeous shade of aquamarine, and the thunder was louder and longer than I have heard in a long time. It was beautiful. And hot. And all I could think was as beautiful as the storm was, I hate it when you have lightning and thunder and hot, dry, electric air. I'm tired of hot.

I was just in the bathroom washing my face for work when I heard another, softer noise. I opened the bathroom window a crack and stuck my hand out.

It's raining. It's cool and it is raining. And this is why I love living in the Pacific Northwest. Temperatures are supposed to continue to drop to the mid sixties I believe throughout the week. I love it. I love rain. It almost makes me sad that I have to work, although if I do have to work in the basement of an old building in Seattle cleaning showers and doing laundry? I prefer it to be cool and rainy, let me tell you what!

This world is strange.

Today it was so hot that I basically had a heat migraine, and spent the day scantily clad under a sheet with a fan blowing on me and a sleep mask on to keep the light out. It was supposedly 94 degrees here in Tacoma, and my bedroom is like a magnifying glass. I may spend the night here on the couch, just cause it's cooler.

The headache finally went away at about 6 or 7 this evening, so I was mildly ambitious and did some pilates. That is all I've done today, other than watch movies and talk to some people on the phone. Lame. Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler, so I'm hoping to get some stuff done around the house when I get home from my second job.

Exciting, by the way, is the fact that tomorrow is my last day at my second job. I'm glad to be done with it. It's served it's purpose, but it just isn't financially beneficial. Actually, it never really was.

I want more picture frames. I want to cover the walls of my home with pictures of people I love.

Weezer and I are beginning to map out his visit in October. He'll get here the day before my birthday, and then the day after my birthday we are going to Kalaloch Lodge for a night. It's going to be good. I can't wait. And then I'm flying back to Nashville with him.

I got my mail from Weezer. It was a postcard from Chicago, for my collection, and his message made me smile. I'm quite fond of this one.

I can't decide if I should sleep or go to Metro and buy lunch for tomorrow. I'll probably go to the store. I don't want to spend a billion dollars buying lunch in Seattle.

falling... slowly.

Watch the movie Once. Just do it. I am so in love.

This song hurts it's so good. Glen Hansard's voice? It is so full of emotion, so raw, my whole body feels empty and yearning and love. It kills.

Weezer, I miss you.

I'm back, in measured doses.

My dog has this really weird habit of licking the couch. I don't know why. It kinda freaks me out, yo.

It has been so hot these last couple of days. Today the high in Seattle is expected to be 91 degrees. I disapprove. I want it to rain. I couldn't sleep last night; it was so hot. That worked out okay, though, because we all left work early today. We've been in survey all week, but the state left today, and management went home to recover. It's been chaotic.

I'm waiting for the mailperson to deliver the mail. Weezer told me on Monday that he sent me something. Now I'm sitting here like a 12 year old girl everyday by the window waiting for the mail. I am dying of curiosity. He won't give me any clues. Not even so much as telling me when he mailed it. It's killing me. Here that Weez? If I die, it's on your head.

I'm waiting for it to cool off a bit while watching an episode of (you guessed it) Supernatural, and then I'm driving to Gig Harbor and going to Target. I want to print the pictures from Tennessee and put them in an album.

I'll leave as soon as the mail gets here.

internet.addiction

I'm taking a much needed break from the internet. I can't deal with it anymore. I think it's disgusting that the world feels the need to post status updates to the rest of the world every two seconds, via sites like myspace, facebook or twitter. I'm sick of the way the internet makes me feel. It's too much stimulation. If you want to talk to me call me. I'm nauseatingly tired of myspace messages and facebook wallposts. I'm disgusted with msn. I need to get away from it all.

I won't be gone for long, several days. Maybe a week. I just need to clear my head and remove myself from temptation. Because it just sucks you in, and next thing you know hours have passed and your have spent them doing stupid stuff like virtually throwing underwear at people you haven't seen since highschool!

I will miss my blog girls, even if it is just for a week. If you want to talk, I will be checking email twice a day, as I have to for work. Also, give me a call. If you don't have my number and want it, send me an email. I'll think about it.

Operation Clear My Head and Cleanse My Spirit is underway. I'll see you all in a few days.

My email, for those who don't know it, is airconditionedgypsy@live.com

My calves hurt from running around in heels all day!

When Angela and I were in San Francisco with the girls last weekendish we stopped at this cute little store across the street from Gordo's, where we got lunch. I got my cute white sunglasses, and Angela got a skull wallet. After we left I wished that I had more time and money to look around, but noticed a website on my receipt and figured I'd just check it out later.

I just checked it out later? It's a blog. A crappy blog. A blog that has nothing to do with the super cute store and the unique merchandise we found there. I'm disappointed.

I went to dinner with my mom tonight and had a margarita. It took the edge off. I want another one. My mom was surprised that I was still wearing my work clothes, heels included, but I hadn't had time to change. Our waiter seemed appreciative of my neckline.

Today I was very busy finishing up all my laundry. I washed the clothes last night, and tonight I ironed all of my work clothes. Took forever, but it should help me speed up the time it takes to get ready in the morning.

My to do list for the week:

Clean my room.
Put away all the clean dishes.
Wash all the dishes, including the glasses of water hiding in my room.
Tidy up and vacuum the rest of the house.
Organize the bathroom counter.
Finish the Time Traveler's Wife.
Print Nashville and SF pics at Target after payday.
Buy one frame from Target and one photo album from Old Navy.
Pay some bills.

K, shower time. I'm all sweaty from ironing.

Crazy takes over.

Yeah it does. Today I'm freaking nuts. I lost my shit on my break at work, and called Weezer, who put all my pieces back together again.

I lose my shit on the phone with my dad driving home from work and cry my face off.

I talk to Weez on the phone tonight, and pick the world's stupidest fight. Even he knew I didn't really want it, and he tried to get me to stop, but I was stubborn, I feel like an asshole, and in true girl form am convinced he'll never want to talk to me again.

I am a dramatic idiot. I want to take a vacation from my brain. Maybe Weezer is right. Maybe not feeling things is the key after all.

Shattered.

I knew this woman. And I am sad, Weezer, I don't care what you think.

It's a whale!

And it's cute, and I love it.

That's all.

pretty good evening

I have a cold, which is no bueno, but I had a moment of complete contentment this evening.

In the bathtub, so relaxing, reading my favorite book (The Time Traveler's Wife), on the phone with my favorite man (Weezer), with coffee scented Philosophy 3in1.

I love it.

And now I'm curled up on my couch in my pink roses blanket with the pretty green underside, in my pretty green and white polka dot nightie, watching A Walk To Remember. Lame, yes, but good nonetheless.

Well. I was in an awful mood earlier.

I'm at my mom's house now, eating nachos with Joe and watching Season 2 of Supernatural. I've just gotten the memory card for my CUTE new phone:



I put new music on it. That's the best part is I can put my own ringtones on it, instead of downloading them from TMobile. My ringtone is "Deceptacon" by Le Tigre. My ringtone for Weezer is "Academia" by Sia. Adina's ringtone is "Boys of Summer" by the Ataris. Angela's ringtone is "Ring of Fire" by Social Distortion.

I need a life.

But I feel MUCH better.

This morning I woke up from a dream, a dream about someone that I love. When I woke up it was early morning light out, that kind of grayish white light, and it was streaming through my windows. The room was cool, and it felt like fall was on it's way. I can't think of a better way to wake up, truly.

I got up and got myself some water, and then went back to sleep. I dreamed that Klondike lost a leg last night. The entire thing came off. And I rushed him to my mom at the hospital, who fixed him up quickly. Moms are good for that.

Then I woke up, the room was burning hot, and full of yellow slept in too late light, and I had started my period which sucks. I haven't had a normal period since they first put me on meds for my bipolar over a year ago. I usually get one or two really barely there ones. This month it decided to come back full force, and I am too tired and gross to even be bothered putting clothes on.

Oh well, at least I had a good morning.

No One Belongs Here More Than You

Giving up a piece of yourself kind of sucks. Especially when you aren't sure the recipient wants it. Or the recipient isn't sure they want it. I want my piece back, but it's too late, and here we are. And truth be told, I don't really want it back. The piece is his, whether he wants it or not.

"Here" is on my couch, with Jake and Athena next to me, Angela next to them, and Klondike on the back. Angela is wearing scrubs. I'm wearing pink and white striped pj bottoms with an old AIDS Walk t shirt. Angela is eating ice cream out of the carton (vegan, made with coconut milk!) and we are watching Supernatural.

I'm the one with a missing piece. I'm easy to recognize.

I am so tired that I can barely hold my head up. I"m actually typing this without looking, as my head is back on the armrest and my eyes are closed. We had five admits this week, and I had to get all of there paperwork done today. That's a lot of paperwork, and a lot of running around. I don't feel great. Luckily tomorrow is Friday.

I'm gonna go I guess. I have to flat iron my hair and drop a check to Weezer in the mailbox. I'm trying to stay up until 9, but I'm not sure I'll make it.

i saw the world spin beneath you

I feel. Too much. I don't like it. It kind of hurts. Too bad I can't put the feelings on pause until I feel more equipped to deal with them. I'm tired of feeling like I need to apologize for my thoughts and feelings. Even though I'm the only person who thinks I need to. I said something the other day, and now I just feel too emotional. I'm over that.

I need sleep. I need to not work this Saturday in Seattle because I can't afford it. I took this shift against my wishes. I'm not even sure how I'm going to get up to Seattle, gas wise, let alone pay for a day's worth of parking. I guess I'm going to have to try to get it covered.

I feel empty and full at the same time. How does that even make sense?

All your sanity and wits, they will all vanish, I promise!

Oh wow, has it been a busy weekend. I am just worn out, after the week at work, and then driving down here. Today us four girls went on a tour of San Francisco with my Uncle Pat. It was great that he wanted to go out with us, because I am such a bad tour guide. First, I don't know where anything is in the city, and I can't read a map. Second, I don't really do "touristy" stuff when I come down and visit, so it is hard for me to think of interesting things to do.

Today we walked part of the way across the Golden Gate Bridge, before driving underneath it to Fort Point.



Here we are, on the Golden Gate, with the San Francisco Bay behind us. Nikki and Desiree are so skinny that I feel like a billion pounds!




Angela and I, and then Nikki and Desiree, on top of Fort Point. We climbed the stairs to the roof, where it was so windy we could barely walk. At one point Nikki jumped in the air, and the wind moved her a couple of inches before setting her back down. These poor Florida girls were freezing!



Pat took this rad picture of Nikki, again on top of Fort Point. After Fort Point we drove to Fisherman's Wharf, where we had a really good dinner at Pompeii's Grotto, where I got yummy pasta. Then we drove through North Beach, Chinatown, and the Haight.

Now we have to be up and ready to leave by 8am, because I have work Tuesday morning. Only I'm up too late talking to Weez, because I said something earlier that I shouldn't have, and now we are discussing. Why are girls so dumb?

Get out of my cookie jar!

I am so tired. I haven't slept, not really, since Thursday night. I had a long long day at work yesterday, and then we got in the car last night at about 7:15 and drove down to San Francisco. We only stopped for coffee at about 10:45, and then later for breakfast at like 4am or so. I haven't slept since we got to my Onnie's apartment in San Francisco this morning, with the exception of an accidental catnap while we were sightseeing in the car earlier today.

I'm nauseous. What else is new? Do y'all think it could have something to do with the fact that I haven't slept in hours and hours?

I've seen lots of family members today, which was good. It's hard to only be in town for two days, because my family is so large, and of course I want to see everyone! My cousins Kelsey, Sean and I took Angela and her nieces Desi and Nikki to the beach. Desi and Nikki were not expecting such cold weather, though. And Kel, Sean and I were raving about how good the weather was today!



My beachy toes!

I need sleep. I'm waiting for a reply from Weezer to my last text message. Then I'm off to bed.